The Most Dangerous Game (for teenagers)

What a clever title, eh? IT WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS!

Making it in at number 3 on my Kindle reader is the HUNGER GAMES (preceded by Treasure Island and The French Revolution: A Short History [post soon to come]), a book with which all of the writers of this blog are familiar and one which no doubt (!) shall inspire some spirited conversations (at least it better, or I'm quitting this thing for good). Alrighty then! ON TO THE DISCUSSION!

First off, the pros:

I loved the context of the story. A dystopian America where some materialistic capitol in the Rocky Mountains (undoubtedly Denver [where are the Broncos?!]) has control over undefined border regions and exercises that dominion ruthlessly and popularly, an annual exercise of game theory where a completely random selection (not entirely actually, as the author takes great pains to emphasize) of the subjected populace is forced to duke it out in a ever-varied battle royale, and lots and lots of conflict. It is really difficult to imagine a cooler setting for such a story and Suzanne pulled it off in a believable but still ethereal fashion.

The heroine of the story was initially very very very cool. She was independent, very capable, and driven to good works despite a treacherous and unforgiving environment. She hunted, killed, cared for her family, and provided a character very much worth rooting for. HOWEVER, I felt like Suzanne did a little too much to make Katniss more teenage(ish) and more popularly pliable, and the absence of those characteristics were exactly what I found most engaging about the character in the beginning. Further elaboration shall follow, but let me list one more strength.

The action was awesome. Whether Katniss was putting an arrow through her opponents throat or listening to the butchering of a nearby opponent, I felt like I was watching an action movie through my mind, and that is always a treat. Suzanne definitely did not fail to keep you in suspense.

The cons:

The very very stupid love triangle. Lame. Forced. Shallow. Predictable. I wish the element of the love triangle would have been thrown out two paragraphs after being penned, but such dreams turned fanciful in the face of an increasingly hollow love story where I think we have to admit that the author tried way too hard to fabricate something that was completely unnecessary to an otherwise strong story.

The teenage element. I know this is a weak criticism due to the pop-teenage nature of the novel, but I still hold to it. I felt like the author would deviate from her strengths in suspense story-telling to over-emphasize some feature I'm sure she felt needed shoring up, and these seemed to particularly concern the nature of Katniss' feelings. It seemed like there were two Katniss characters, the action hero and the teenage girl, and they didn't seem to be two sides of a single coin so much as substance and shadow.

The predictability of the novel. I know you all agree, but this novel was pegged from pg. 20. The moment you are introduced to a character you know whether they'll live or die (and most of the time in what order [comparatively speaking]) and you also know what the story shall unfold to. It's kind of like opening a present whose contents are mostly known, it just becomes a matter of which flavor.

So there. It was overall a good book, but it could have been better. Much better. I don't feel like I wasted time reading it but I don't feel overly enthused to read the sequels (though I'm certainly more excited to read them than the Harry Potter books)....

VICTORY

I finished Middlemarch! 800 pages of White Middle Class Problems, my favorite! In all seriousness, though, Middlemarch is a great book about a provincial town in 1830s England and all the juicy gossip/scandal/Reformation, et cetera, that happens in and around it. It follows several overlapping storylines about various families and their attempts to marry off their daughters, find employment for their sons, save their farms, and other such business.

It was great! The best way I could describe it would be to say it's like a Jane Austen novel but times four. The payoff was amazing in the end, I was really emotionally invested in a lot of the characters' futures (especially MARY GARTH, this plain, poor girl who is super sarcastic and super witty and she's my hero because despite her plainness she manages to ensnare two hot catches).

The writing was excellent. George Eliot was super profound and incisive. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"A kind Providence furnishes the limpest personality with a little gunk or starch in the form of tradition."

"Signs are small measurable things, but interpretations are illimitable."

"We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time."

"People were so ridiculous with their illusions, carrying their fool's caps unawares, thinking their own lies opaque while everybody else's were transparent, making themselves exceptions to everything, as if when all the world looked yellow under a lamp they alone were rosy."

"People glorify all sorts of bravery except the bravery they might show on behalf of their nearest neighbors."

And a quote by Mary Garth, number one BAMF:

"Husbands are an inferior class of men, who require keeping in order."

YOU TELL EM MARY.

All in all, it was great, such an endeavor! Next up on my roster is Don Quixote, so don't expect to hear from me for several months.

THERE BE PIRATES HERE! YA HAR!!!

Treasure Island! Thar she be! Booty galore if we do our dooty (or take our dooty into ar own ands! YARR!)!

I had not read this book in somewhere close to 12 years, but when I saw it for free on the Kindle App store (which is awesome by the way) I couldn't resist. It's not very long, it's totally written for kids, but from start to finish it involves action, pirates, conspiracy (and counter-conspiracy), death, battle, sailing (though not very well described [come on Robert!]), and absolutely no romance. What more could a boy want from a book?

For those of you who have read it I won't rehash the story, and for those who haven't I won't spoil the wonderful story. It sufficeth me to say that it is a short story about a group of Englishmen who set sail for an island whereon a gruesome and bloodthirsty pirate named Captain Flint buried loads of monies and their attending adventures. There is much death, much action, and much intensity.

While it doesn't quite rise to the depth of character development of my treasured Master and Commander series, it is a short book after all and meant for the entertainment of a considerably younger audience. As soon as my kids are able to read they're going to be given this book as the harbinger of adventures to come!

9.5/10!

The Elegant Universe

The universe, when examined on a near-infinitely small scale, is composed of one-dimensional strings which vibrate at various frequencies and through whose vibrations the entire universe with its attending matter, gravity, energy, etc. is composed.

That is the basic gist of this pop-science read. It's a good book and I enjoyed getting the readers-digest version of what must be mounds and mounds and mounds of equations and theorizing. I must admit that several of the sections flew right through my cranium without any lasting stick, but on the whole it was quite the learning experience.

In my opinion, the best part of the book was his summary of Einstein's theories of general and special relativity. He did a phenomenal job at explaining why light will always appear to be going at the speed of light no matter our speed, how time is an extra dimension within which we all live and operate, how things like Black Holes do zany things to contemporary theories of the universe, and how string theory could solve all our problems.

For those of us interested in astronomy and the workings of the universe, I recommend this book!

8/10

I really should be spending this time moving but whatever

Well, I couldn't resist. The siren song of Disney-related lists drew me back, even though the last one took me a good 2 1/2 hours to complete. I'll only pick five and the descriptions for my five won't be as in-depth as Ken's, but I'll compensate by naming my other favorite things villains do, like songs and lines.

And thanks a lot for getting me on the blog, Ken. Now thanks to you I've lost countless precious minutes of my life to compiling lists, minutes which could have been spent playing videogames or spying on the neighborhood children. That enough of a thank you for ya?

Favorite Villains
1. Scar - Not that I'm gay, but I want to make out with Jeremy Irons. And I want to make sweet whoopie to his voice. Now that's out of the way, Scar was such a douche; I remember the scene where Simba is nuzzling his dad and Scar emerges from the mist and says, "Simba... what have you done?" and I was like "Scar, why are you such a douche?! You just killed his dad and now you're making him feel the guilt! Stop douching it up!" That is the perfect scene in establishing what a sinister character he was, not to mention the "Long the live the king" line.
Favorite line: "Yes. As you wish... your majesty!"

2. Oogie Boogie - Remember that first scene, where you don't see Oogie at first, you just see his shadow and then that bug get sucked out of the cage? So effective. That scared me just as much as any reveal would have. And I love the look and color palette, all bright buzz saws and skeletons lit by blacklights, like a medieval torture/rave chamber. Plus his death was pretty funny.
Favorite line: "J-Jack! But they said you were dead! You must be... double-dead!!"

3. Shere Khan - One thing I love in a villain is suavity and poise; nothing's more frightening than a man who'll bludgeon you to death with a shoe and then casually wipe his hands off with a handkerchief afterward. I'll forgive any atrocity as long as it's committed by someone with good manners. And Shere Khan is the suavest mofo in the jungle, even though he's a blood-thirsty carnivore hungry for manflesh. Sheer brute force + the manners of an English nobleman = good times. And you know what's funny? On the Rotten Tomatoes website, George Sanders' little thumbnail picture is Shere Khan (go to 'All About Eve' to see what I mean). I wonder how it feels to have such a respected career as a stage and film actor and then have the picture representing you be an animated tiger. He's either really flattered or really annoyed up in Actor Heaven.
Favorite line: "You have spirit for one so small. And such spirit is deserving of a sporting chance."

4. Ursula - Though she may place fourth on my list, her laugh is the greatest of all time. Excuse me, her cackle. That, combined with her hair and her dramatic nature, puts her high on my list. And that final scene where she's huge and evil and then gets impaled by the ship is pretty intense.
Favorite line: "It's time for Ursula to take matters into her own tentacles!"

5. Hades - One word: hilarious. That is all.
Favorite line: Do I have to pick just one? Alright then.
Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Honorary mention: Dr. Facilier
So much wasted potential. I felt like they went to all this work to give this guy a great voice, great animation, great backstory, great song, and then they just left him out to dry. He deserved way, way more screen time than he got. And the whole time I was hoping for a titanic showdown where he faced off against Mama Odie. But nope, he just sings a song, dances a bit, shows occasionally to remind you of his evil intentions, and then gets dragged off to voodoo hell. Very disappointing. But I don't care who you are, his shadow moving around and obeying his will is all kinds of awesome.

Favorite song: "Oogie Boogie's Song"

Favorite death: Although I've only recently seen it, I loved the originality of Gothel's demise in "Tangled". Her plummeting to Earth and you expecting her to hit the ground, but instead she evaporates in midair and only her cloak lands. That was sweet.

Favorite Kingdom Hearts battle: Definitely the fight against Captain Hook, where you're flying through the air around his ship and he's leaping after you, swinging his sword and cursing you and your friends.

Favorite actor who makes me question my sexuality: Jeremy Irons, though Steve Woods comes in close second.

Best fight scene: Maleficent vs. Prince Philip. Classic, epic dragon on knight action never gets old, especially not when it's done by Disney and his team at the top of their game.

Top Ten Vilians!

"Well Ken, we sure are impressed to see how you singlehandedly resuscitated an otherwise crumbling blogging community.

"Thank you noble fans. I too am astounded at my seemingly unlimited potential to summon within others powers they never dreamed of utilizing without my impetus.

"You are great. We appreciate all you do.

"Again, thank you noble fans."

WHAT IS INTERESTING IS THAT I NEVER HEARD THIS IN ALL YOUR POSTINGS AND RESPONSES TO MY AWESOME POST! All you did was criticize and whittle! That's it! What kind of noble fans are you?! THE WORST KIND!

Really though, if given another opportunity I would make a few changes to my Disney list. But I feel that the lists we compiled in so many ways reflect our personalities (with the placement of Peter Pan being indicative of one's propensity for adventure [suck that AJ!]!) and that my list especially reveals the inner ethos of my persona.
So, instead of revising, I'm going to continue this listing with my top ten villains of all time! Kelsi said she and Luke had discussed this and I felt I should continue my pattern of trend-setting and get a headstart on everyone.
Before I begin, I must explain this list. Especially with bad guys we have to define those characteristics by which we are assessing the performance of those we rank. For example, do we value those who are truly the most vicious and evil? Or those best able to carry out their diabolical intentions? Or those who we like the most? So many questions, and I was unable to isolate a single series of factors by which to determine my ranking, so I'll just say that this is a completely subjective valuation of who I felt were the best Disney villains in strengthening the story and projecting their dominance through their machinations. That said, let us tarry forth! ON WE GO!

10. Gaston. Ah yeah. The man's man turned bad man is definitely going to make my villain list. Gaston had some evil moments and his fight with the Beast was awesome, if only b/c you couldn't believe there was a human being tough enough to take on the bear/wolf/sasquatch that the Beast was, but for the most part Gaston makes the villain list for being such a strong addition to the story. His song about himself was awesome, his ability to incite a mob was eery, and his blind ambition to obtain the prettiest girl in all the province is intimidating. Gaston showed that a real hunter doesn't just go chasing after ducks and other defenseless fowl, he pursues with relentless absurdity anything that catches his attention and doesn't rest until he is satisfied. For those characteristics, Gaston begins my villain list.

9. Dr. Facilier, aka The Shadow Man. Another villain who, while creepy, is on the list for his ability to help drive the story. The Shadow Man proved to my soul that while Disney would let an otherwise promising project misfire and consign itself to 2D obscurity, they still knew how to conjure up an awesome bad guy. The song "I Got Friends On the Other Side" goes down as one of my most favorite Disney songs of all time, period. It may even top the list for best songs performed by a villain (being in close competition with Gaston's self-promoter). He managed to add spice to a film that I otherwise could not really enjoy and displayed a conflicting character seeking to balance being in control with being subjected to debts beyond his ability to repay. It was a great lesson on making deals with the devil. So thank you, Shadow Man, for helping me partially enjoy what should have been a more epic experience.

8. Monstro. Why whaling doesn't get a worse rap: too many peoplehave seen Pinocchio and think anything which is an enemy of Monstro is a friend of man. I watched a short clip of Monstro's awakening and realized that as a kid I truly couldn't imagine a terror more real than being trapped at sea with an unstoppable leviathan bent on my consumption. Monstro was so terrifying in part because he was portrayed to be so completely evil. You are shown no emotional side of Monstro, only the workings of a creature bent on destruction. He's bad. Very Bad. And Free Willies the world over have suffered a cruel rap at the hands of this villain's image.

7. Hades. You know we can't discuss villains without discussing how awesome James Woods was as the Lord of the Greek Underworld. He was entertaining, evil, and as all other good Disney villains are, hell-bent on conquest and domination. He got a bad rap from his all-powerful older brother and spent eons in the deep dark recesses of the world's abysmal spirit caverns. While many things in Hercules are sure to bother even the most elementary of Greek enthusiasts, you couldn't help but love Hades and his unfailing ability to make you crack a smile as he was cracking wise and plotting big. Also, the scene with the Titans where Hades informs them that Olympia is in the opposite direction of their terrorizing is priceless.

6. Queen Grimhilde. Vanity, thy name is Queen Grimhilde. This villain was brought to ruin by

her consuming desire for comparative beauty and it drove her to such undreamable heights as the attempted murder of the fairest, most innocent, and highest-pitched-voice damsel in the kingdom! It was tragic to watch the heights (literally) she went to in order to bring to pass her maniacal plans to fruition.

Also, Luke said he wished that Disney wouldn't have killed her off in her ugly period, but I think that was very poignantly deliberate. Moral lessons go to great lengths to help us visualize the effects of sin and vice, and I think Disney was going for the throat in demonstrating that the Evil Queen, while 2nd most beautiful, was 1st in the inner ugliness department, and she would die that way.

5. Jafar. I love how we've nearly universally acclaimed the racist and sexist stereotype Disney presented and lambasted in the character of Jafar. He has everything all the character traits that we despise: he looks like a snake, he views women as objects of man's desire and nothing more, he plots against the rightful (though bumbling) sovereign, and he taunts in puns (thanks for pointing that out Luke!). Not only that, but Jafar has one of the most entertaining sidekicks in the Disney pantheon, and their duo never seemed to quit dealing out domination and entertainment throughout the Aladdin sojourn.

4. Captain Hook. What is it with Disney villains and their obsession with some unobtainable quest? It seems that when Disney was founded Walt sat everyone down and said, "Listen, in every movie we make that is worth anything at all, I want you to insure that the villain is consumed with something antithetical to the cause of goodness. Don't make them dabblers, make them manics, and we will define villainy forever!" I don't know if he really said that, but he sure drove home the point with each of my preceding choices, and Captain Hook is no different. He lost a hand and he couldn't let it go (get it?!) and it took him from the position of a respected and wealthy plunderer to a scared ninny constantly on the run from an equally terrifying crocodile. I love the delivery of Captain Hook. He was the gentleman villain. While he wasn't afraid to break a promise or push the bounds of villain propriety, he still managed to stay clean shaven and well groomed. I also can't help but think that Disney wanted people to compare Cpt. Hook to the bungling French attempts to defeat the obvious English/American adventuring type represented by Peter Pan. WE KNOW THEY COULD NEVER TAKE US!

3. Cruella de Vil. While Cruella de Vil doesn't take home the prize for top villain in my list, I cannot deny her ubiquitous presence in the ethos of Disney villainy. She is by far the most recognized of the Disney villains, her tribute song is the most well known (it has its own jingle for crying out loud!), and her polar bear fur coat insures that she will continue to be hated as our society grows increasingly environmentally conscious (at least we tell ourselves we're more environmentally conscious). I wish I enjoyed 101 Dalmations more. I'm sure that if I did Cruella could have reached that infamous apex reserved for the best Disney villain.

2. Scar. Scar is second only to one in taking home the prize of best villain in my estimation. He perfectly personifies everything that we hate in villains: he's brilliant, ruthless (even to the point of killing his own brother, and attempting the lionicide of his nephew), he beats on women, subjects all to his will, and sings a piece featuring prominent Nazi and North Korea allegories throughout! Not only that, but Jeremy Irons delivered such a flawless performance that it was difficult at times to not root for Scar out of sheer love for his animating personality.

The moment when Scar digs his claws into Mufasa's desperate paws as he attempts to escape and whispers into his ears, "Long, live, the King" and then releases him to the wildebeast's stampede shall go down as one of the pinnacle moments of Disney film, and only a villain such as Scar voiced by a legend such as Jeremy Irons have pulled it off.

1. Maleficent. Bret told me when we were young that if he ever owned a boat or was captain of some ship he would name it Maleficent, and a casual glance at any Disney poster featuring this villain yields a persuasive justification. Maleficent demonstrated that true villainy, properly executed, can inspire unparalleled fear in the masses of children fortunate enough to purview a glimpse of true evil which will forever alter their perception of the world. Maleficent singlehandedly persuaded me to hate darkness, brambles, statues, crows, women magicians, dragons that weren't voiced by Sean Connery, and unholy flame, and those prejudices shall accompany me into my grave (wherein Maleficent shall have her final victory as my body is engulfed in darkness until the resurrection of our Lord commences for God's children). I cannot adequately describe what an effect she had on me, but to say that she defines the term villain is a gross understatement. When she emerges from her spell transformed into a dragon I admit that I still get just a bit squeemish (though I'm totally ready to rock on and take her on in whatever form of heroism such a feat entails).

I also love that Maleficent was ultimately defeated by the forces of righteousness and truth (with its obvious Christian overtones) and that while she was in her most absolutely abominable form.

SO THERE! Again I am the trend-setter! Let's see your responses to that!

Holy crap, that took a while

Rejoice ye forsaken masses, for I'm finally back to writing on the book blog, and the only thing that could bring me back is the desire to talk about my love for all things Disney. And I feel guilty after months of Kelsi asking me to post and everyone putting so much time and effort into their posts. But mostly I just want to show that I am the greatest Disney fan. The greatest.

Some things about my list:
- I will only pick twenty-five. Sorry Ken, but some of us can't afford to put sixty movies on our list. Some of us have families to feed.
- For reasons already detailed, I'll limit my selection of Pixar movies to only one. Which one? Read on to find out! The suspense is killing you, I'm sure.
- I will try to restrain myself from using the words 'magic', 'nostalgic', 'racist', 'portrayal', and 'timeless' too much, but it’ll be difficult.
- I haven’t watched “Tangled” yet, I’m sure I’ll love it.

Starting from #1…

1. Aladdin - This one and Lion King will always hold a special place in my heart for a number of reasons; they came out around the same time (in my mind at least); they both struck an emotional cord with me; and I can watch either one at any time, no matter what else is going on. I've also watched each one about fifty times apiece and listened to their commentary tracks. So yeah. But why does this one edge out to #1? Because it's freaking amazing, that's why. It has everything: romance, adventure, a scrappy/sexy hero who overcomes all odds, hilarious side characters (Abu, Raja, Arab people), arguably the prettiest Disney princess, a wonderfully racist portrayal of a dastardly villain, and to top it all off, Robin Williams at his comedic, coked-out best. Throw in some superb songs, great action/chase scenes, and that hilarious part where Jafar keeps spouting puns before he casts a spell ("I'm just getting warmed up!!" *breathes fire* "Get the point?" *swords fall from sky* "Things are unraveling fast now, street rat!" *turns the Magic Carpet into yarn*) and what do you get? A-freaking-laddin.
And that scene where they're escaping from the crumbling Cave of Wonders on the Magic Carpet still blows my mind into a million pieces and makes me curse God for not giving me the power to fly and science for not inventing an affordable jetpack.

2. The Lion King - And where do I start with this one? This is probably the first truly "epic" movie I saw. Seeing that opening scene in the theater where the sun rises over the waking African savanna punched me in the brain so hard I started to see spots. I also cried until my eyes burned when Mufasa dies and Simba's trying to wake him up, but that's a whole bag of trauma best left unopened. Anyway, more than the gorgeous and lush visuals, more than the Elton John-penned songs, more than the amazing story, what really sets this movie above and beyond is the cast. Mufasa with his deep, booming voice who was both regal and fatherly; the wise and insane Rafiki, with his absurdist banana song and mastery of kung fu; Timon & Pumbaa with their awesome back and forth dialogue ("You talking to me?" "Shouldn't have done that!" "You talking to me?!" "Now they're in for it!" "They call me Mr. Pig! Ahhhh!"); the terribly inept henchmen, the hyenas; the tough and sexy Nala who filled me with extremely confusing feelings in my youth; the greatest Disney villain ever-that's right, I said it-voiced by the inimitable Jeremy Irons; Zazu, the hopelessly stodgy right-hand man; and, of course, Simba, who manages to believably make the transition from young and wild ruffian to carefree vagrant trying to forget his past to, ultimately, a lion who realizes that he must take the hard path to reclaim his throne and his destiny.
I later learned (later being 2009) that this movie was a rip-off of a Japanese film called "Kimba The White Lion" that none of the creators bothered to mention even in the credits, but you know what? Not even that cynical little fact can diminish this movie's greatness in my mind's eye. Long live Simba!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAA SEBENYAAAAA MAMA MEE TEE MAMO SIMOO SEN YA AY SEN YA OH!

3. The Nightmare Before Christmas - No film has influenced my cultural tastes as much as this film. The dark and twisted setting, the weird, eccentric protagonist, the freaky love interest, the comically over-the-top villain, etc. It all started here. The fact that my favorite solo artist is Tom Waits and my favorite videogame is Psychonauts is a testament to the impact of this movie. My appreciation of this movie has definitely deepened as I've aged. This is one of the few films that manage to strike a perfect balance between style and substance. The way Tim Burton and his team combined silent movie-era German surrealism imagery, Gothic Orchestra-meets-Broadway song and dance numbers, and modern animation aesthetics still has yet to be matched, technically or conceptually. And the story can still strike a chord with just about anyone who feels misunderstood and trapped by their circumstances (like I did when I was young and weird. Nothing like I am today). The fact that it was all done using stop-motion is nothing short of astounding.
And holy hell, let's talk about what a terrifying concept Oogie Boogie is. Good lord, a giant bag of bugs who eats small creatures while cackling maniacally. How many nightmares did he give me? A lot, that's how many. All of which ended in me awakening curled up in a fetal position, lying in a pool of my own urine.
Too bad Tim Burton is one of the most derivative filmmakers working today. Watch this film and you realize just how much vision the man had before he decided to smother it with a massive bag of money. And while I’m talking about shamelessly cashing in artistic vision for moolah, screw Hot Topic to hell. All the way to hell.

4. Alice In Wonderland - The perfect movie for a young, hyperactive child AKA me: no real story to follow, no characters to get attached to, no motives to decipher. Just a girl, lost in a world of her imagination populated by absolutely mad denizens who occasionally break out into songs about the joys of caucus races and the merits of not losing your head to a mad queen. There's not a lot I can say about this movie owing to its bizarre tone and meandering narrative, but this movie is definitely the sum of its parts and is not for everyone. For someone weird with off-kilter tastes like me, however, watching this film is like going on a good acid trip, one where all the phantoms are friendly and colorful and don’t want to steal your soul magic. So I've been told, I've never dropped acid. Makes holes in your brain, you know.

5. Wall-E – Making movies is no easy task. The amount of work by so many people that goes into a single film is really staggering when you think about it: you need the director, the actors, the crew, the producers, and more all working in tandem, which can add up to dozens, if not hundreds, of people working on a single project. To actually sort through that chaos and emerge with a great movie is an incredible feat. To make multiple great movies is akin to going to the moon and back a bunch of times times. But to make nothing but classics is what Pixar does every day. And from that near-flawless pedigree (Cars is not a great movie, sorry Ken), which one is the king? The little robot that can, Wall-E. I love the quirky yet eerie first half, I love the beautiful romance that develops between two robots who can’t even speak, I love the ballet in space scene, I love the fat human trundling along to the song “2001” made famous, I love the message warning against complacency and wastefulness, and I love, love Wall-E and his romantic, dancing ways. But mostly, I love this movie for making me feel like a kid again without being condescending or insulting my intelligence. So bravo, Pixar. You made it high on my list of the best Disney films ever, and to be recognized by Luke Kitchen is one of the greatest honors man can receive.

6. Beauty And The Beast – My favorite princess movie (unless Alice In Wonderland counts, but I think she’s just the princess of weird imagery and oblique metaphors). It’s funny that this film came out of Disney’s revival era in the late 80’s/early 90’s, yet it wouldn’t feel out of place if it came out between Snow White and Pinnochio. It has all the elements of an old classic Disney would have been proud to have worked on: the melodrama, the romance, the over-the-top villain, the kooky characters, the songs. And yet it manages to feel completely new even while it makes use of old cinema tropes. That’s probably why it was nominated for a Best Picture and why it’s still beloved to this day. Audiences of all stripes can enjoy this, young and old. And it has some of Disney’s single best scenes: the wolf fight, Gaston vs. the Beast, the musical number for “Be Our Guest”, and, of course, the ballroom dance (and its tragic aftermath). And I will always break out into an idiotic grin whenever I watch the servants all attack the invaders. Genius!

7. Fantasia – Definitely the artiest film on this list, it’s much like Alice In Wonderland: a series of separate scenes that don’t really serve a larger narrative but, taken as a whole, add up to something truly spectacular that takes full advantage of the technology available to it at the time. I love those dancing Chinese mushrooms. And what the hell was Disney taking when he dreamt up the Chernobog scene? Freaky stuff. Fun fact: this film flopped on release, but in the sixties it had a revival when Disney Studios re-released it and targeted it towards the burgeoning hippy youth with taglines like “Fantasia: A true experience of the senses!” Surprise surprise, it did quite well.

8. The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh – You all know he’s my favorite Disney character. I don’t know why I identify with a slow, pudgy bear who loves to eat himself into a coma, but I do. But Pooh being a great character wouldn’t be enough if he wasn’t surrounded by an equally lovable cast and their adventures weren’t great fun. But he is, they are, and this film is all the better for it. It truly feels like a timeless storybook come to life, one that parents can read to their kids, who'll eventually read it to theirs.

9. The Hunchback Of Notre Dame – Good, operatic fun. Probably my favorite soundtrack of any Disney film. Tony Jay makes anything better, the gargoyles are very funny, the action scenes are great and original, and the protagonist is lovable and tragic. Although this film definitely changes its tone abruptly and often, going from funny and lighthearted to dark and scary. Case in point: the festival scene, where we start with a boisterous song in a carnival atmosphere and end in a scene of persecution and torture. What?

10. Treasure Planet – Seems I’m the only one who feels this film lived up to its potential. Too bad movie-going audiences didn’t feel that way and this was a huge flop. High-flying adventure coupled with a ridiculous concept (“Pirate ships in SPACE!!” “Like, spaceships piloted by criminals who attack other ships?” “No no, ships. As in sails and cannons and no protection from the ravages of space, and they somehow fly through the infinite void.” “Sounds amazing, it’ll make a billion dollars in theaters!”) won me over. Maybe it’s because this is the movie I would have made when I was young and playing pirates vs. aliens with my Legos.

11. Hercules – Steve Woods as the Lord of the Underworld and Danny DeVito as a disgruntled satyr? Sign me up! Fun, bright, fast-moving, and stylish. The hero’s a lovable doofus, the love interest is actually interesting, and Pain and Panic are great as Hades’ punching bags. “This may be another Hercules!” “Yeah, I mean Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!” “Remember, when all the boys were named Jason and the girls were named Britney?” And the voice of Zeus is the crazy wheelchair coach from “Dodgeball”, so come on. Give this film its props.

12. Snow White – Started it all, amazing achievement, blah blah blah. When all the hype is stripped away from this film, it still stands on its own because it’s an extremely well-made piece of cinema that entertains and delights on every viewing. And I love the villain, but I wish she didn’t die ugly. It would have been nice if she could have transformed back before she died, because no one deserves to die hideous, not even evil queens.

13. Peter Pan – Pure childhood adventure and a work of escapist perfection. It has all the right moves: pirates, flying, mermaid bitches, racist portrayals of Indians, and a great villain. Who didn’t want Peter Pan to fly into their window and take them away to Neverland? Nazi children, that’s who. And I really like Michael. Top hats just scream awesome to me.
Also, shout-out to the Peter Pan-themed level in “Kingdom Hearts”, where you gain the power of flight and fly around the ship fighting monsters with bat wings and pirates flying boats. That was the best level in the game.

14. Mulan – More like “Mulan Rocks”, amiright? Kudos to this film for featuring a central female character who kicks all sorts of ass and whose only preoccupation isn’t just to bag some stud and live happily ever after. Although I guess she is just trying to save her father so she’s still ultimately living for another man, but still, she kicks ass while she’s doing it. And she beats Shan Yu, one of the most effective and menacing villains in Disney’s history. Fun fact: Eddie Murphy was still respected when he made this movie.

15. Bambi – Definitely an odd film. Who would think today of making a movie about a deer who hardly speaks in a bunch of scenes mostly showing off the wonders of nature? If it was made in the modern day it would probably be done by some small independent animation company, and if Disney did make it they’d have to include a fast-talking squirrel and an owl who sings the latest pop songs. But back in the day, Walt Disney pulled this unlikely success off and gave us one of the most tragic scenes in film history (“Mother? Mother?!”). Also, Man is a great villain. And supposedly John Williams was inspired by this movie’s use of music to signify the presence of an unseen villain for “Jaws”. Disney’s influence stretches far.

16. Pinocchio – Or, “How I Learned To Be Afraid Of Everything”. Seriously, there are so many parts in this movie that had me crapping myself. Three scenes-Monstro chasing Pinocchio and his dad on their slapdash raft, Stromboli threatening to chop up our hero into firewood, and the scene where Pinocchio’s friend transforms into a donkey while raggedly crying for his mother-are the holy trinity of frightening, twisted, and depressing animated scenes. I love the song “When You Wish Upon A Star”, even though its message is crap. You got to work for what you want, kids! You can’t just wish for it! Work on the street corners like I did, selling my wares *wink wink* to any interested passerby. And that song makes me think of the comic where Calvin wishes on a star, nothing happens, and he says he’d smoosh Jiminy Cricket if he could. And some good lessons are taught in this film: don’t trust anyone, don’t ever question parental authority, and whales need to be hunted to extinction.

17. Pirates Of The Caribbean – If ever there was a perfect popcorn movie, this is it. It never takes itself too seriously, yet it never resorts to parody; the action scenes are perfectly staged and appropriately heart-thumping; the skeletal villains were a welcome change of pace; the ship and sword battles were highly entertaining; and Keira Knightley makes me feel funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. And Johnny Depp’s star-making performance is now the stuff of legend. Before the makers blew their load over the sequels, this film stood as a testament to how awesome pirate movies could and should be.

18. Lilo & Stitch – I was very surprised when I saw this movie. I’d been dragged along by Mom when I was still a surly teenager and expected to get more of the same animated drivel Disney’d been crapping out on home release and the Disney Channel for years. Boy, it sure is nice to be proved wrong sometimes. The story of an outsider looking for a friend was really touching, the humor was broad without stooping to cheap fart and other bodily function jokes, and the animation perfectly captured the beauty of Hawaii. I also have a soft spot for all things sci-fi, sue me. And Stitch was awesome, and Kelsi sucks. I also loved those two songs, the one at the start and the one from the surfing scene. I put those two on repeat and listened to them over and over again.

19. The Emperor’s New Groove – You want me to piss myself? Just put this on and I guarantee I’ll be laughing hard enough to do so.

20. The Jungle Book – If Peter Pan is childhood fantasy, this is childhood fiction: highly unlikely, but still feasible, and just as delightful. I can’t think of anything bad about running off to the jungle to live with your best friend bear and puma, singing and dancing and pigging out every day on fruit. Well, except for the fact that you’re being hunted by a giant, hypnotic snake and a psychotic, man-eating tiger. And those Beatles vultures were always funny, even more so now that I know who the Beatles are.

21. The Little Mermaid – I loves me my ocean, and even though this is an extremely unrealistic portrayal (why does the shark have the jaw of a snake?), it still tickles my brain to watch the sea floor come to life, especially in the song “Under The Sea”. Ariel was a likable heroine whose dreams of exploring the greater world are universal, Sebastian and the seagull dude were great fun, King Triton was properly imposing, and Ursula is just great, campy, over-the-top fun. And I love the “Part Of Your World” scene. I still sing it when I’m on an elevator that’s going up, much to the chagrin of my fellow passengers.

22. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? – Christopher Lloyd, that’s who. The film that proves that the most ridiculous concept can be pulled off with the right amount of sincerity and wit. The contrasting of the cartoon characters and their anything-works reality with the real, gritty world and its pragmatic nature was nothing short of genius. So hilarious, so weird, so unique, and so well-made. Bob Hoskins totally gives it his all in this role; anything less would have undone the film. Jessica Rabbit is responsible for starting a lot of cartoon fetishes, I’m sure. And is there anything more unsettling than a flattened Christopher Lloyd wobbling around and drinking helium until his eyes pop out? The answer is no. No there is not.

23. Tarzan – Gotta love a ripped man in a loincloth grinding on trees. Did you know that the animators studied the movements of skateboarders for those sequences where he’s sliding through the jungle? All the characters are great in this film, especially Jane’s dopey father. And Terk and Tantor are probably the best comedic relief since Timon and Pumbaa. The scene where Kerchak, a giant gorilla, is dying and saying his last words to Tarzan should be melodramatic and ridiculous, but it makes me tear up. And yes, Phil Collins was phoning it in lyrics-wise, but those songs still get my blood boiling and make me want to go run through jungle on all fours. "Two worlds one family / Trust your heart let faith decide / To guide these lights we see!" What the hell does that mean, Phil?

24. Mary Poppins – Other than “The Wizard Of Oz”, my favorite live action musical. Julie Andrews is just delightful, Dick Van Dyke pulls double duty as Burt and the old, decrepit banking president, and the sequence where they go into the cartoon world and Burt dances with the penguins is still amazing. I heard tale that Julie Andrews had such a filthy mouth that they had to rush the children off the set whenever she got cross. Whether it’s true or not, it’s pretty funny to think about.

25. Robin Hood – AKA “F*ck You, Ayn Rand.” Who doesn’t love the story of Robin Hood? It’s so broad and can be interpreted in such different ways. I love this films playfulness and sense of camaraderie among Robin Hood and his merry men. I also love how Prince John cries and sucks his thumb whenever he’s beaten. The thrill of Robin Hood pulling off a heist was always great. Like “Ocean’s Eleven” with bows and arrows instead of technology and extremely sexy men.

Well, that’s it. Maybe now it’s time to go watch that “Tangled” I’ve heard so much about. Then again, all this talk about Disney movies has made me want to go watch Lion King and Aladdin. Maybe I’ll do that instead.

Oh, and as an aside, listen to this terrifying cover of “Heigh Ho” by Tom Waits and then try to sleep at night. Bet you can't do it!

(It starts about 18 seconds in)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4_zaZ3utUY

I feel like I need to go take a nap now.

Yep, this was fun and also time-consuming. I omitted Pixar films, because I still view Pixar as more of a stand-alone company (although I might pull an AJ and list the Pixar films themselves in order of how much I love them). Also, I have to say: I didn't worry so much about the order of the movies until about my top twenty, so resist the urge to be nitpicky.

Also, FYI: Rotten Tomatoes wrote a top 50 animated Disney films list that inspired me and Kenneth to do this. Here's the link, see what you think about it, I seem to remember thinking that the list-writer was on all the crack. Pinocchio at number one? Drugs are the only explanation! Also, the very idea that Home on the Range was ranked higher than Robin Hood literally makes me want to shoot something with a harpoon gun.

50. National Treasure

HAHAAHAHAHAH JK Y’ALL. I’ve never actually seen this movie, and now that Nicholas Cage is a source of recurring nightmares for me, I never actually will. On to the real list!

49. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

In my opinion, Disney Studios does animation best, and so the bottom three of my list is populated heavily with live action films. These are films I enjoyed, for sure, but can’t quite oust the actual animated stories (in my opinion). Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is one such movie. I remember loving it as a kid (and fantasizing about shrinking down and having my own terrifying adventures). Also, there is a playground at Hollywood Studios in DisneyWorld that is modeled after the backyard scene in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Cool, right?

48. The Santa Clause

I freaking love Tim Allen. This will always be one of my favorite Christmas movies, no matter how many awful sequels it spawns.

47. Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Meh. Atlantis never really did it for me. Like Ken said, it was a great idea, with poor execution. Disney basically blew its chance to hop on the steampunk train a few years early with an instant classic. But the animation is gorgeous and the concepts are pretty excellent, so it makes the top fifty.

46. Treasure Planet

Again—great ideas, poor execution. Also, NO LOVE INTEREST. What? That doesn’t do it for me. I need a love interest in a Disney movie or I get intensely bored, okay? However, it does feature the voice talents of Joseph Gordon-Levitt (soon to be Alberto Falcone in The Dark Knight Rises, yesssss), which is nice. Cool ideas, pretty, et cetera.

45. The Muppet Christmas Carol

Don’t lie: this is one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Mostly because of Michael Caine, but also because of everything else.

44. Lilo and Stitch

“I am going to stuff you in the blender, push ‘puree’, then bake you into a pie and feed it to the social worker, and when he says, ‘Mmm, this is great, what’s your secret?’ I’m gonna say….love and….nurturing!” This movie had some great lines, great moments, great music. HOWEVER, I hate the character of Stitch, I hate him hate him hate him. I hate the fact that you can meet him in the Magic Kingdom. He’s the worst. If the movie had just been Lilo, it would have been perfect.

43. The Aristocats

Two things made this movie great for me: the music and the geese. Other than that, it’s pretty forgettable. (The entertainment department here in WDW doesn’t feel that way, though. You can meet the youngest cat, Marie, in Epcot France, and there is a ton of merchandise for her. Weird!)

42. Bambi

Whatever, Bambi. Thanks for manipulating my emotions by killing his mother right at the beginning. I don’t like this movie very much. But the animation was beautiful and there was some nice music, so whatever. Also this was reportedly Walt Disney's favorite movie he had ever worked on, which counts for something in my book.

41. Pinocchio

Guess what, everyone? Pinocchio is absolutely terrifying. When was the last time you watched it? Do you remember how the young boys who went gallivanting off to Pleasure Island got turned to DONKEYS and shipped off to the SALT MINES, where they were most likely brutally worked to death? What the hell, Disney? Where’s the whimsy and the childish fantasy? Because all I see is a waking nightmare. NO THANKS, PINOCCHIO. It’s in my top fifty only because, admittedly, the animation was groundbreaking at the time, and it’s still a very beautiful movie to watch. And also unintentionally hilarious, at some parts.

40. Ponyo

I just saw this last night and decided to count it, even though I probably shouldn’t because I’m not counting Pixar, et cetera et cetera. ANYWAY WHATEVER. Ponyo had some awesome imagery (a whale swimming over a road! By a tree)! Bright colors! And an amazing voice cast (holy cow, Cate Blanchett, Liam Neeson, Tina Fey, Betty White!). And overall, it was an enjoyable experience. BUT ALSO SO FREAKING WEIRD, in a Japanese, why-is-this-happening kind of way. Why did Ponyo turning human pull the moon closer to earth? That literally makes zero sense whatsoever, and they didn’t even attempt to explain it in the movie. Humph.

39. Lady and the Tramp

If not for the music, I would have forgotten that this movie existed a long time ago. However, it did give us such classics as “Bella Notte” and “He’s a Tramp”, so I guess that means I LOVE IT.

38. Oliver and Company

Billy Joel Billy Joel Billy Joel BILLY JOEL.

37. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

This movie terrifies me to this day. But it’s still clever, well acted (Bob Hoskins is really one of the greatest actors of our time, Adrian Brody said so), and fun to watch. And it spawned one of the greatest rides: Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin at Disneyland.

36. The Emperor’s New Groove

“How did you get here before us?” “I’m not sure. I mean, logically, it just doesn’t make sense.” While a little disappointing length-wise and music wise, this movie was hilarious. HILARIOUS. David Spade needs to do more things, end of story. Also Yzma is another one of my favorite villains, is that okay with you guys?

35. Dumbo

“The very things that held you down are going to carry you up, and up, and up!” This is another pretty forgettable movie for me. The quickest way to lose my attention with a movie is to omit a love interest, and that’s a tidbit you can take right to the bank.

34. The Three Caballeros

I remember almost nothing about this movie except for loving it. I still get the title song stuck in my head sometimes. It makes the cut!

33. Cinderella

Uuuuuh, not my favorite. HOWEVER, I really like Cinderella’s character design (that movie is chock-full of 50s fashion, my favorite fashion of them all), and I like the fact that the evil cat is named Lucifer. HOW GREAT IS THAT. Also Walt Disney once said that he viewed the scene where Cinderella's work clothes turns into her famous silver dress as a visual embodiment of dreams coming true. That makes me love it a little bit more.

32. Alice in Wonderland

Well I don’t love this movie as much as Luke, but it’s still pretty great. Mostly because the Queen of Hearts, and the Cheshire Cat, but Tweedledee and Tweedledum are pretty cool, also. Alice is a tidge bit annoying, though. I HAD TO SAY IT.

31. James and the Giant Peach

Holy cow, this movie was so so great. And terrifying. But mostly great. A giant peach, with giant bugs, carried by seagulls? A mechanical shark with rusty rows of teeth? And a rhino or something? What was that rhino symbolic of, I wonder? Someone enlighten me. And the best part about James and the Giant Peach was that he got to stay with his friends forever in the end. There was none of that crap, “You’re a man now, James, and we have to go back to the wild.” I hate those types of endings. But this one was all, “Nope, we’ll live together, it’s a-okay cool. No problems with that.” Which is how it should be.

30. Enchanted

There are many things that I really, really love about Enchanted. James Marsden and Amy Adams are absolute scene-stealers. All of the obvious (and lighthearted) digs at classic Disney princess movies are clever. But I hated Patrick Dempsey, I hated the stupid ending, and I hated the fact that they cast Idina Menzel as the annoying girlfriend and she didn’t get to sing ONCE. What the heck? That in itself pushes Enchanted back on the list.

29. The Little Mermaid

URSULA MAKES THIS MOVIE. You all know what I’m talking about. Ariel is pretty annoying still, though.

28. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

Mostly because Winnie the Pooh reminds me so much of Luke (because he loves him, y’all. Not because Luke is obese and addicted to honey). The sketchy animation style of this movie really does it for me. (Also, I am SO SO EXCITED for the new Pooh movie coming out this summer. Even the horribly edited preview can't turn me off.)

27. Mulan

This movie is better than I give it credit for. I really loved Mulan as a character. And “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” is one of the best montage scenes ever. I think they could have pushed for a little more of a Chinese influence, though—in their animation and their music. It would have given the movie a little more staying power, in my opinion.

26. Bedknobs and Broomsticks

I have a deep and abiding love for this movie. It helped me to believe in magic and it gave the world the great song, “Portobello Road.”

25. A Goofy Movie

This movie is awesome and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Not only does it have the greatest 90’s music there ever was, it also has discernible character development. It deserves some kudos.

24. Pete’s Dragon

This movie is awesome, mostly because: a) the soundtrack is really, really great (go look up “It’s Not Easy” on YouTube and prepare to have your frigid heart melted) and b) Mickey Rooney is a crazy lighthouse keeper, and also c) the bad wizard or whatever is really, really funny. I love Pete’s Dragon for the campy, cheesy fun that it is.

23. The Rescuers

There’s only one thing I really remember about this movie: Madame Medusa, a really excellent bad guy. Also she had two pet alligators, for no reason. HOW GREAT.

22. The Sword in the Stone

Merlin was great, the music was great, but this movie suffers from a common problem: pacing issues. It’s too short! Wart is crowned king and BAM! Done! But I still love it.

21. Meet the Robinsons

I love this movie, probably a little more than I am supposed to. I loved the message about family, and all the characters, and Mike Yagoobian, and the inventions. And the quote that they use in the end, by Walt Disney, is one of my favorites ever: “Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep looking forward, opening up new doors and doing new things…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

20. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I would feel like a bad Disney fan if I didn’t appreciate this movie for what it truly is: the one that started it all. Walt put a lot of his heart and soul into Snow White, and it shows. Too bad the Prince looks like a fourteen-year old girl.

19. The Hunchback of Notre Dame

This movie is severely underappreciated. The leads are strong and the music is amazing and the animation is gorgeous. And Frollo is a CREEP. Remember that song “Hellfire”? Creepy!

18. Muppet Treasure Island

I’M NOT ASHAMED. If we’re going to count these Muppets movies as Disney movies, Muppet Treasure Island deserves to be near the top. This movie will hold its own against any other comedies, kid-friendly or not. BECAUSE IT’S HILARIOUS. “Jim Jim Jimmy Jim Jim Jim.”

17. Beauty and the Beast

The pros: Gaston and his great song, the townspeople and their great song, Crazy Maurice and his goggles, Cogsworth and Lumiere and their witty banter. The cons: Belle and her annoying crying scenes, the Beast and all his annoying moody emotions. Despite these, I truly love this movie and wish it had won the Oscar.

16. Tarzan

This is a very well-done Disney movie, in all respects: the African scenery is really gorgeous, Clayton is an awesome bad-guy (who meets a very grisly end), Tarzan is quite a man’s man, and I like the character of Jane. However, it has to be said: Phil Collins was really phoning it in when he wrote the lyrics to the music.

The power to be strong/and the wisdom to be wise/all these things will come to you in time/in learning you will teach/and in teaching you will learn

Every time I hear these words, I cringe.

15. Sleeping Beauty

There’s no getting around it: even though Aurora and her parents are incompetent dips, this movie is beautiful. The landscapes are heart-meltingly gorgeous. And for goodness’ sakes, Maleficent is the scariest villain that ever existed, don’t pretend otherwise. This truly is a wonderful film, despite its flaws, and therefore earns a high ranking on my list.

14. Robin Hood

This movie would rank much higher on my list if it was just a bit longer. Alas! But on its own, I love it. Scene to scene, it has some of the best Disney moments ever. My favorite is the turtle who waves his flag and says, “Go Dad!”

13. Pocahontas

Haters gonna hate, but Pocahontas is still one of my favorites. Strong female lead! Amazing music! Blatant historical inaccuracy! Check check check! Also it features the voice of Mel Gibson before he was so absolutely crazy, and should therefore be preserved for future studies. I was a little resentful, however, that they just didn't change the ending so John Smith and Pocahontas ended up together. They threw an accurate storyline out the window when they decided to make Pocahontas's grandmother a talking willow tree, so why stop there?

12. Mary Poppins

This movie is literally practically perfect. Julie Andrews is lovely and Dick van Dyke is my number one bro. And I love the song, “Let’s Go Fly a Kite”, I love it.

11. The Great Mouse Detective

OH JES. I love this movie! I loved Basil and I loved the toymaker and Rattigan was an awesome villain. It was so scary, yet so delightful. I love it enough to let it edge out Mary Poppins in my affections, and truly, it would probably edge out many others as well, if it weren't so short!

10. Tangled

What it lacks in decent pacing and a likeable male lead, it makes up for with lovely animation, music, a strong villain, and an EXTREMELY likeable female lead. I was expecting less from this movie (because, frankly, the previews were awful), and so imagine my pleasant surprise when it turned out to be one of my favorites of the year. (Still couldn’t oust Toy Story 3 for my best animation affection, of course). Also, it has to be said: the character animation in Tangled is the best of ANY animated movie I’ve EVER seen. Including any Pixar film. (I SAID IT).

9. One Hundred and One Dalmatians

There are two things that make this one of my favorite Disney films of all time: Cruella de Ville (one of the greatest villains in the history of cinema) and Roger Radcliffe (one of the sexiest men in all cinema). To be honest, the parts with the dogs always sort of bored me. But I never got bored with looking at this:

WHAT A MAN.

8. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

More like The Curse of the Long Sub-Title, amiright? Anyhoo this movie is undeniably awesome, legitimately well-made and well-written, even if the subsequent sequels turned out to be unwatchable abortions. Johnny Depp has forever immortalized the character of Jack Sparrow, so kudos to him.

7. Fantasia

How could Kenneth have forgotten Fantasia? I love this movie. The music is amazing. Did you know that Walt Disney intended for Fantasia to be an immersive film experience? As in, he wanted the audience splashed with water during the water scenes, and he wanted floral scent pumped out during the flower scenes and sulphur-ish scent during the Chernobog scene. But it wasn’t feasible to equip movie theaters across the country with that kind of technology. Fantasia was a box-office flop, because audiences couldn’t relate with a movie that didn’t have a central character or storyline. PHILISTINES.

6. The Princess and the Frog

I have an unnatural affection for this movie. Dr. Facilier is probably my number one (maybe two?) favorite villain of all time. I loved Tiana and her motives, and the overall message of the movie: work hard, but don’t be afraid to take some help or shift your focus if it feels right. And I thought Naveen was so funny. “I am Prince Naveen of Maldonia. And this is Tiana, the waitress. (do not kiss her).” It was a little short for my tastes, and the pacing was off (a problem that a lot of recent Disney movies seem plagued with). Also, it only had four real songs. Lame!

5. Hercules

THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST. Gospel music mixed with Greek mythology was a stroke of genius. And James Wood as Hades! Danny DeVito as Phil! Also possibly my favorite Disney song EVER, “Go the Distance”. It’s a worthy pick for my top five.

4. Aladdin

Riff-raff, street rat. I DON’T BUY THAT. There are four major criteria I judge Disney movies on: the leads, the music, the animation, the villain. In all four categories, Aladdin excels. Aladdin was likeable and heroic, and Jasmine is probably my favorite of the “classic” Disney princesses. I don’t even have to talk about the music, because everyone probably has “Prince Ali” stuck in their heads right now. And remember the bright, frenetic glory of “Friend Like Me”? And of course, Jafar was the perfect villain: creepy, vaguely pedophile-ish, mustached, evil. TWO THUMBS UP.

3. Peter Pan

Based on my favorite book of all time, Peter Pan certainly has a special place in my heart. Captain Hook is a man’s man, and Never Never Land has always been my top choice in the Which Disney World Would You Like to Live In game. Even though WENDY DARLING ugggh I have always hated that character, don’t even get me started.

2. The Lion King

The Lion King is the closest thing to a flawless animated movie that Walt Disney Studios has every produced. The music is amazing. The characters are sympathetic, and the voice actors were impeccably chosen. The death of Mufasa is one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in cinematic history. The parallel storyline to Macbeth is totally bad-ass.

AAAAAAAAAANNNNDDDDD

1. The Jungle Book

It’s The Jungle Book for the win! Are you surprised? Keep in mind, I’m not saying this is the very best movie that Walt Disney Studios has produced—I think The Lion King takes that crown. This one just happens to be one of my favorites to watch. There’s nothing I can really put my finger on—the dialogue, the music, and the style of animation just suit my taste perfectly.

IT'S DONE. Whew! What a wild ride! Now it's time for the intense discussion, let's make it happen!

A Different Take on Disney Greats...

WELL!!!!! How little I know! In preparation for compiling my own Disney list I visited Wikipedia’s chronological list of movies. First I knew in order to do this list I would have to compartmentalize the movies into various sections. Three sections cover animated films, Classics, Lost Years, and Golden Age. Following the divisions and associate rankings I shall compile a top 20 list that considers the Disney franchise as a whole. It is here that I must disagree with Kelsen’s methods. Pixar/live action cannot be separated permanently. I think if a movie has characters represented in the Disney parks their related movies must be considered as park of the whole. Also in respecting legal jargon, let it be said that should any characters not be represented by costumed employees they are not excluded from being part of the larger whole.


Classics:
Here’s where I became humbled by how much I didn’t know about when Disney movies were released. In my mind I considered the Classic era (animation only) to begin with Snow White and ending with 101 Dalmatians. However, here I got one of the greater shocks of my life. Robin Hood was released in 1973!! I always thought it was in the time frame of Cinderella. But now I know and therefore, the Classic Era begins with Snow White and ends with Robin Hood. 16 fully animated films are in this era so I’ll cut out six and provide a top ten.
10: Jungle Book. Mowgli always kinda bothered me. I just never connected with him as a main character. The supporting cast is the best part of that show, even the villains despite their failure to eliminate the annoying Mowgli. Also the motivation of all the characters is totally jacked. Shere Kahn? Why does he even care? Baloo? His preoccupation with Mowgli always kinda creeped me. Only the snake is properly motivated by desired caloric intake, but his voice is also shared by Winnie the Pooh and that’s sacrilege. But all its faults considered I still prefer Jungle Book to Snow White and Aristocats. I only like Thumper and Flower in Bambi. Alice and Wonderland was too sycodelic to be allowed in my house, and the other 2 films of this era I’m unfamiliar with.
9: Dumbo. Really great in every way but the competition in this era is just steps above Dumbo.
8: Pinocchio. I didn’t know this was Disney’s 2nd film but that explains the lower animation quality. I also have never been that crazy about Pinocchio I this because of its intensity and frightening sequences which must have bothered me as a child. I hate Monstro!! And the tuna and all the other villains in the film.
7: 101 Dalmatians. I love the little puppies and Cruella Deville is classic.
6: Peter Pan. Shut it Ken. This is becoming difficult. Originally I put Lady and the Tramp at 7 but the more I thought about it the more it the more I liked it. This pushed Peter Pan back which has no flaws but is simply edged out according to my tastes.
5: Lady and the Tramp. Love it all. Jock and Trustee rock, but the truth as to what pushed this film up to number 5 was when I remembered the zoo scene with the lisp laden beaver.
4: Cinderella. Jaq and Gus Gus, nuff said.
3: The Sword and the Stone. This take the Bronze because of Madame Mimm. This movie is quoted by myself and my family constantly. Arthur is a completely pure underdog character that you love to cheer on. Also I first saw this movie when I was 8 years old at my uncle’s house while on vacation with my grandparents, and that trip was awesome.
2: Robin Hood. Everything about this movie rocks my socks all night and day. On and on it goes with coolness. Right now I’m thinking of each scene and as they flash through my mind I just love them more.
1: Sleeping Beauty. This film is a work of art. I love how it has its own style of animation. Even the background is richly drawn. In the Disney villain death match Maleficent would hands down slaughter all takers fool enough to challenge her. But the reason for Sleeping Beauty’s number one status is the fairies. They are respectively my Grandma Carol and her sisters. Aunt Helen the oldest is obviously Flora, Aunt Marie is Fauna (I’m pretty sure they are clones of each other) and my Grandma Carol is Merryweather.

The Lost Years
From the “Lost Years” come some films that are grand and some best left forgotten. For simplicity the Lost Years span from 1974-1989. Here we find the arguable low march in Disney animation history, The Black Cauldron. Also in the Lost Years I will address Winnie the Pooh, the reason for this is that the three films were released as a set during the Lost Years but of course they were released individually during the Classic era, I admit it’s an odd choice but whatever. Also I consider The Rescuers Down Under to be part of the Lost Years despite its having been released in 1990 this is because of its stark contrast to the members of the Golden Age and it is not only a sequel to a Lost Years classic but it also has the feel and lack of songs that characterize films from the Lost Years.
Ranking of this era is quick and simple. Giving consideration to the Lost Years films were mentioning only they are ordered from like to beyond love: The Fox and The Hound, The Rescuers, The Great Mouse Detective, The Rescuers Down Under (Ken this film is absolutely worth a 2nd look. The best part is when the koala lists off what articles of clothing his fellow captives will become, “Frank will be . . . A purse, ooo a lovely lady’s purse.” John Candy also lends voice to Wilbur the Albatross who has his own wonderful side story. Beyond this one day only a couple of years ago (post mission) my siblings and I had a full on craving for this show, and were nearly driven mad when we couldn’t find it because it had been taken to the office in Coalville to entertain my niece. When we realized this we drove instantly to Coalville to retrieve it because there was no other movie in the world that could have satisfied us at that moment.) , and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (I’ll reserve my comments until my overall list where this appears).


Golden Age
The “Golden Age” began with the Little Mermaid. I call it the Golden Age because it marks the renewal of Disney as a filmmaker and the birth of modern Disney. The Golden Age is defined by 4 films, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and The Lion King. This era is marked by the epic nature of the films and the astounding music, culminating in grand crescendo with The Lion King. They also managed to capture the princess mystic which is no easy task. Pocahontas managed to capture the full feeling and style of a film from the Golden Age but I think all would agree with me that it was a little lacking. Honestly I’m tempted to say that the four films that define the Golden Age are the only ones in the era, but I’ll settle for a bumpy decline beginning with Pocahontas, dropping significantly with The Hunchback of Notre Dame, tanking with Hercules (which I am quite fond of but the sharp change in animation style always bothered me and was a huge departure from the Golden Age style), and making an honorable conclusion with Mulan. It is the Golden Age that the Princess and the Frog tried, with arguable results, to recreate. After the Golden Age of animation is the irrelevant era (Pixar excluded of course), an era still holding an iron grasp today. An era of such shameful trash that if you want to know what they are look them up yourself. One film surprisingly worth mentioning is Lilo and Stitch.

Golden Age Rankings: The Hunchback of Notre Dame don’t like
Bottom-Pocahontas,
The Lion King
Mulan
Aladdin
The Little Mermaid
Hercules
Top-Beauty and the Beast

Pixar:
I’ll be brief (a lie). There are 11 and all are worth consideration, but I think we are all aware of each films merits and by simply ranking them my preferences will become apparent. First let me say that the amazing thing about Pixar is their ability to tell a story with innocence and a complete absence of cheese, (which comes from trying too hard). This genuine innocence and purity is a hallmark of the Classic era whose zenith can be seen in the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. The major flaw with the Golden era, and the reason why none of those films will make it into my top 20, is their failure to achieve this holy grail of animated film making. Even Pixar doesn’t always capture this feeling, but they have and that fact is truly staggering, because the Classic era was created during a more wholesome time. A time when right was right and wrong was wrong and most people knew the difference, where some innocence still remained in the world. To understand what I’m talking about simply watch the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and then watch five minutes of any of its sequels (I know it’s painful). Disney has lost its innocence, and honestly only Pixar out of all film makers in the world are able to create stories that echo purer films.
Now to business
11: Ratatouille. Honestly I don’t really even like this one but it’s nice because every list needs a bottom
10: WALL-E. I agree that WALL-E doesn’t get his due, and his position as number 10 on the Pixar list is nothing to be ashamed of, that’s like taking 10th place in the 100 meter dash at the Olympics, though 10th there are countless behind you. This movie did so many cool things, it was a silent movie for the first half. WALL-E gets pushed behind the others because of his lack of subtlety, he was a bit too preachy, and a bit too obvious about it.
9: A Bug’s Life. A fine film but I don’t think about it very often
8: Monster’s Inc. It has its moments but it seldom jumps of the shelf at me.
7: Cars. Great fun and Lightning McQueen’s journey of self-discovery is well executed.
6: Toy Story. For typical reasons, most notably the mindblowing originality of the film, and the timeless characters created.
Getting more difficult. . .
5: Toy Story 3. I, with all other people possessing souls, cried when our beloved toys inched towards inferno. And yet I put Toy Story 3 in the number 5 spot because I felt that, while appropriate, the constant references to the other two movies didn’t completely satisfy me. And honestly I didn’t like the ending. I don’t feel that I have to grow up and let go of my toys and imagination and transition into a bland adulthood. Obviously this is not what the makers of Pixar did, just look at their “child’s dream” office building.
4: UP. I, with all other people possessing a soul, cried through the opening scene it is high water mark for Pixar’s story telling mastery. I also like that they didn’t try take us to those emotional depths again, they let us rise and ride the winds of fancy. We were able to move on to a new place with the characters.
3: Toy Story 2. Honestly I think this is where Toy Story reached perfection. The characters were fully developed and able to take an airy adventure without the baggage of concluding anything. I cried during 3 because I laughed through 2.
2: Finding Nemo. Pixar at its absolute best. Finding Nemo not only possesses all the aspects that make Pixar great, but takes these aspects to their highest achievement. Originality, Characters, Humor, Correctly Balanced Emotion, they’re all there in unrivaled quantity. I rank Finding Nemo as Pixar’s best work. I saw it opening day and having arrived right on time ended up laying on the floor at the front of the theater, this was beneficial because being already on the floor I couldn’t fall out of my chair with laughter. I simply rolled around on the soda, sugar, and butter soaked floor clutching myself with unbridled laughter.
1: The Incredibles. What? AJ have you lost your small mind? You just said Finding Nemo was the best Pixar movie and yet you put The Incredibles in the number one spot. Ah yes, Finding Nemo is the best but The Incredibles is my favorite. I can and have watched this one the most. I have not tired of the repetition I love it completely every time. It is my soul mate in movie form. Perhaps like me Pixar found itself dissatisfied with X-Men despite their love of the idea. So Pixar decided to do superheroes right, and right the did!!


Live Action:
18: The Rocketeer. This show was on tv the other day and it sparked an investigation. I could not understand how Jennifer Connolly had gotten vastly more attractive with age. A quick internet search followed by a photo comparison revealed how this was possible. She had a nose job! Her brilliant plastic surgeon built up the bridge of her nose. She may have also had her cheeks thinned. Long story short The Rocketteer is a pretty good flick.
17: The Three Musketeers. This movie also came from the 90’s. Charlie Sheen wasn’t crazy then (or at least could conceal it). All the action is actually really good.
16: 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Unlike the book this movie is actually good. Great characters and flow.
15: The Parent Trap (original). Hayley Mills did a fine job in this movie and didn’t go crazy (so far as we know) afterwards and become a major ho bag. Besides this emotional stability the movie also doesn’t suck and make me want to claw my bleeding eyes out like the horrible remake.
14: Pollyanna. Can you not love this show? It is an example of the ability Disney used to have to make wholesome entertainment. Could you imagine if they tried to remake Pollyanna?
13: Old Yeller. While this movie is classic I must say it is a classic example of how Disney tries to jack with a person’s emotions. I haven’t read the book but it probably does end the same way but tragic dog deaths are not really needed.
12: The Shaggy Dog. The kid that shot Old Yeller paid his dues by becoming cursed to turn into a dog at inopportune times that result in hilariously awkward moments.
11: Darby O’Gill and the Little People. Before he became Ian Flemming’s James Bond 007 Sir Sean Connery was romping around with leprechauns trying to save his love from the Banshee of death.
10: Herbie Rides Again. A lot of the experience I had in my young years with Disney live action movies was because my Grandma Bell would record them and then give them to us. All these random Disney movies are floating around my house. One of the best of these is Herbie Rides Again. This show climaxes with Herbie chasing a man on the wires of the Golden Gate Bridge.
9: Snowba ll Express. This show was taped on the same tape as 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Here a man is caught in the rat race of New York when he receives a hotel in Colorado from a long lost uncle. He uproots his family and moves them out there only to find that the hotel is a dilapidated disaster. He tries to turn it into a ski resort but disaster ensues. Great Great! Classic Disney live action randomness.
8: In Search of the Castaways. Hayley Mills is back again. Here her father is a sea captain that got lost. A French biologist finds a letter in a bottle inside a shark from this lost father. The children and the Frenchie try to convince their father’s boss to go after him. The Boss turns them down but his snobby son changes his mind because he’s smitten with young Hayley’s beauty and feist. Off they go on a grand adventure around the world.
7: The Ugly Dachshund. One of my favorites, it would have scored higher but the closer you get to the top the more intense the competition gets. In this show a family’s vet gives them a great Dane puppy when their dachshund has puppies. This dog’s large size leads to plenty of zany mayhem. As you’ll see the competition heats up after this point and a lower grade movie like this can’t keep up with the big dogs.
6: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Definitely the greatest pirate movie ever! If there was a genre before it was rewritten by this film. And yet it shows the shamelessness that modern Disney displays when raping their own creations for money.
5: Pete’s Dragon: Ken I can’t believe you forgot this movie in your list. For coming out of the 70’s it is a really solid movie. The music in this is just as impressive as anything Disney has done.
4: The Swiss Family Robinson. How could you go wrong with desert island strandings? You can’t. Never mind that hyenas, zebras and tigers don’t really go together but who cares. The pirates in this movie are Asian which is a nice change. And the family has such a grand time that they when given the chance they don’t want to leave their tree house paradise. A girl even shows up disguised as a cabin boy and provides a love interest for the two sons to fight over. And who plays the dishy Roberta, yes Sean Connery’s love interest in Darby O’Gill and the Little People.
3: Bed Knobs & Broomsticks. Love, love, love this flick!! I don’t have much to say about its greatness but if you’ve seen it you know how rad it is.
2: Mary Poppins. Honestly old Mary sugar goes down just barely squeaked in front of Bed Knobs & Broomsticks. Possibly because she won the best actress academy award for this role and the beyond loveable Angela Lansbury did not.
1: The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men. Surprisingly the best live action Disney movie was only the 2nd live action movie they made. As you can see from this list it’s a good thing they didn’t quit while they were ahead but they hit gold.


Top 20 Overall
Now I’m afraid this list will be rife with hypocrisy because I’m pretty sure I'm going to rank movies in the overall list above movies which they scored under in the categories area. But I have a reasons, for an overall list I’m taking into account the desert island factor. Basically if I can only have 20 Disney movies to watch for the rest of forever what would they be. This changes things, I may like one movie more than another but I watch the other more often. I’m also taking into consideration the quotable factor. But it’s really boiling down to the oddity that a movie may edge out its peers when lumped together into categories, but when the chips are down and the pressures on in the overall group where considerations are different movies pull ahead unexpectedly.
20: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
19: Lady and the Tramp
18: Aladdin (Beauty and the Beast). Here’s a case where a movie that got 4th in the Golden Age oddly becomes the only movie from the Golden Age to even make the final list. OR!! Would have been except that Aladdin is now playing on the Disney channel and Beauty and the Beast is clearly better. Further my roommate and I just had a Belle vs. Jasmine debate which only further pushed Beauty and the Beast ahead. Jasmine was born a princess which means while she may be cute and flirty during courtship her haggy, spoiled claws would come out 6 months into the marriage. But Belle . . . she’s nice from the start and becomes a princess for her ability to love a beast.
17: In Search of the Castaways
16: Pete’s Dragon
15: Peter Pan
14: Cinderella
13: Swiss Family Robison
12: Toy Story 3
11: Up
10: Sleeping Beauty. Here’s where the most hypocrisy comes in. Movies in the Classic Age find themselves all reshuffled for the final cut. Sleeping Beauty which was number one falls back significantly.
9: Mary Poppins. Edged out in the final by Bedknobs and Broomsticks
8: Toy Story 2
7: Finding Nemo
6: Bedknobs and Broomsticks
5: The Sword and the Stone
4: The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men (Live Action)
3: The Incredibles
2: Robin Hood (Animation)
1: Winnie the Pooh. Why is Winnie the Pooh the greatest Disney film ever made? There are countless reasons but I only need cite one. When I first watched The 6th Sense I was properly scared and unable to sleep. My solution? Plug in Winnie the Pooh, its pure entertainment chased all the baddies away.