Holy crap, that took a while

Rejoice ye forsaken masses, for I'm finally back to writing on the book blog, and the only thing that could bring me back is the desire to talk about my love for all things Disney. And I feel guilty after months of Kelsi asking me to post and everyone putting so much time and effort into their posts. But mostly I just want to show that I am the greatest Disney fan. The greatest.

Some things about my list:
- I will only pick twenty-five. Sorry Ken, but some of us can't afford to put sixty movies on our list. Some of us have families to feed.
- For reasons already detailed, I'll limit my selection of Pixar movies to only one. Which one? Read on to find out! The suspense is killing you, I'm sure.
- I will try to restrain myself from using the words 'magic', 'nostalgic', 'racist', 'portrayal', and 'timeless' too much, but it’ll be difficult.
- I haven’t watched “Tangled” yet, I’m sure I’ll love it.

Starting from #1…

1. Aladdin - This one and Lion King will always hold a special place in my heart for a number of reasons; they came out around the same time (in my mind at least); they both struck an emotional cord with me; and I can watch either one at any time, no matter what else is going on. I've also watched each one about fifty times apiece and listened to their commentary tracks. So yeah. But why does this one edge out to #1? Because it's freaking amazing, that's why. It has everything: romance, adventure, a scrappy/sexy hero who overcomes all odds, hilarious side characters (Abu, Raja, Arab people), arguably the prettiest Disney princess, a wonderfully racist portrayal of a dastardly villain, and to top it all off, Robin Williams at his comedic, coked-out best. Throw in some superb songs, great action/chase scenes, and that hilarious part where Jafar keeps spouting puns before he casts a spell ("I'm just getting warmed up!!" *breathes fire* "Get the point?" *swords fall from sky* "Things are unraveling fast now, street rat!" *turns the Magic Carpet into yarn*) and what do you get? A-freaking-laddin.
And that scene where they're escaping from the crumbling Cave of Wonders on the Magic Carpet still blows my mind into a million pieces and makes me curse God for not giving me the power to fly and science for not inventing an affordable jetpack.

2. The Lion King - And where do I start with this one? This is probably the first truly "epic" movie I saw. Seeing that opening scene in the theater where the sun rises over the waking African savanna punched me in the brain so hard I started to see spots. I also cried until my eyes burned when Mufasa dies and Simba's trying to wake him up, but that's a whole bag of trauma best left unopened. Anyway, more than the gorgeous and lush visuals, more than the Elton John-penned songs, more than the amazing story, what really sets this movie above and beyond is the cast. Mufasa with his deep, booming voice who was both regal and fatherly; the wise and insane Rafiki, with his absurdist banana song and mastery of kung fu; Timon & Pumbaa with their awesome back and forth dialogue ("You talking to me?" "Shouldn't have done that!" "You talking to me?!" "Now they're in for it!" "They call me Mr. Pig! Ahhhh!"); the terribly inept henchmen, the hyenas; the tough and sexy Nala who filled me with extremely confusing feelings in my youth; the greatest Disney villain ever-that's right, I said it-voiced by the inimitable Jeremy Irons; Zazu, the hopelessly stodgy right-hand man; and, of course, Simba, who manages to believably make the transition from young and wild ruffian to carefree vagrant trying to forget his past to, ultimately, a lion who realizes that he must take the hard path to reclaim his throne and his destiny.
I later learned (later being 2009) that this movie was a rip-off of a Japanese film called "Kimba The White Lion" that none of the creators bothered to mention even in the credits, but you know what? Not even that cynical little fact can diminish this movie's greatness in my mind's eye. Long live Simba!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAA SEBENYAAAAA MAMA MEE TEE MAMO SIMOO SEN YA AY SEN YA OH!

3. The Nightmare Before Christmas - No film has influenced my cultural tastes as much as this film. The dark and twisted setting, the weird, eccentric protagonist, the freaky love interest, the comically over-the-top villain, etc. It all started here. The fact that my favorite solo artist is Tom Waits and my favorite videogame is Psychonauts is a testament to the impact of this movie. My appreciation of this movie has definitely deepened as I've aged. This is one of the few films that manage to strike a perfect balance between style and substance. The way Tim Burton and his team combined silent movie-era German surrealism imagery, Gothic Orchestra-meets-Broadway song and dance numbers, and modern animation aesthetics still has yet to be matched, technically or conceptually. And the story can still strike a chord with just about anyone who feels misunderstood and trapped by their circumstances (like I did when I was young and weird. Nothing like I am today). The fact that it was all done using stop-motion is nothing short of astounding.
And holy hell, let's talk about what a terrifying concept Oogie Boogie is. Good lord, a giant bag of bugs who eats small creatures while cackling maniacally. How many nightmares did he give me? A lot, that's how many. All of which ended in me awakening curled up in a fetal position, lying in a pool of my own urine.
Too bad Tim Burton is one of the most derivative filmmakers working today. Watch this film and you realize just how much vision the man had before he decided to smother it with a massive bag of money. And while I’m talking about shamelessly cashing in artistic vision for moolah, screw Hot Topic to hell. All the way to hell.

4. Alice In Wonderland - The perfect movie for a young, hyperactive child AKA me: no real story to follow, no characters to get attached to, no motives to decipher. Just a girl, lost in a world of her imagination populated by absolutely mad denizens who occasionally break out into songs about the joys of caucus races and the merits of not losing your head to a mad queen. There's not a lot I can say about this movie owing to its bizarre tone and meandering narrative, but this movie is definitely the sum of its parts and is not for everyone. For someone weird with off-kilter tastes like me, however, watching this film is like going on a good acid trip, one where all the phantoms are friendly and colorful and don’t want to steal your soul magic. So I've been told, I've never dropped acid. Makes holes in your brain, you know.

5. Wall-E – Making movies is no easy task. The amount of work by so many people that goes into a single film is really staggering when you think about it: you need the director, the actors, the crew, the producers, and more all working in tandem, which can add up to dozens, if not hundreds, of people working on a single project. To actually sort through that chaos and emerge with a great movie is an incredible feat. To make multiple great movies is akin to going to the moon and back a bunch of times times. But to make nothing but classics is what Pixar does every day. And from that near-flawless pedigree (Cars is not a great movie, sorry Ken), which one is the king? The little robot that can, Wall-E. I love the quirky yet eerie first half, I love the beautiful romance that develops between two robots who can’t even speak, I love the ballet in space scene, I love the fat human trundling along to the song “2001” made famous, I love the message warning against complacency and wastefulness, and I love, love Wall-E and his romantic, dancing ways. But mostly, I love this movie for making me feel like a kid again without being condescending or insulting my intelligence. So bravo, Pixar. You made it high on my list of the best Disney films ever, and to be recognized by Luke Kitchen is one of the greatest honors man can receive.

6. Beauty And The Beast – My favorite princess movie (unless Alice In Wonderland counts, but I think she’s just the princess of weird imagery and oblique metaphors). It’s funny that this film came out of Disney’s revival era in the late 80’s/early 90’s, yet it wouldn’t feel out of place if it came out between Snow White and Pinnochio. It has all the elements of an old classic Disney would have been proud to have worked on: the melodrama, the romance, the over-the-top villain, the kooky characters, the songs. And yet it manages to feel completely new even while it makes use of old cinema tropes. That’s probably why it was nominated for a Best Picture and why it’s still beloved to this day. Audiences of all stripes can enjoy this, young and old. And it has some of Disney’s single best scenes: the wolf fight, Gaston vs. the Beast, the musical number for “Be Our Guest”, and, of course, the ballroom dance (and its tragic aftermath). And I will always break out into an idiotic grin whenever I watch the servants all attack the invaders. Genius!

7. Fantasia – Definitely the artiest film on this list, it’s much like Alice In Wonderland: a series of separate scenes that don’t really serve a larger narrative but, taken as a whole, add up to something truly spectacular that takes full advantage of the technology available to it at the time. I love those dancing Chinese mushrooms. And what the hell was Disney taking when he dreamt up the Chernobog scene? Freaky stuff. Fun fact: this film flopped on release, but in the sixties it had a revival when Disney Studios re-released it and targeted it towards the burgeoning hippy youth with taglines like “Fantasia: A true experience of the senses!” Surprise surprise, it did quite well.

8. The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh – You all know he’s my favorite Disney character. I don’t know why I identify with a slow, pudgy bear who loves to eat himself into a coma, but I do. But Pooh being a great character wouldn’t be enough if he wasn’t surrounded by an equally lovable cast and their adventures weren’t great fun. But he is, they are, and this film is all the better for it. It truly feels like a timeless storybook come to life, one that parents can read to their kids, who'll eventually read it to theirs.

9. The Hunchback Of Notre Dame – Good, operatic fun. Probably my favorite soundtrack of any Disney film. Tony Jay makes anything better, the gargoyles are very funny, the action scenes are great and original, and the protagonist is lovable and tragic. Although this film definitely changes its tone abruptly and often, going from funny and lighthearted to dark and scary. Case in point: the festival scene, where we start with a boisterous song in a carnival atmosphere and end in a scene of persecution and torture. What?

10. Treasure Planet – Seems I’m the only one who feels this film lived up to its potential. Too bad movie-going audiences didn’t feel that way and this was a huge flop. High-flying adventure coupled with a ridiculous concept (“Pirate ships in SPACE!!” “Like, spaceships piloted by criminals who attack other ships?” “No no, ships. As in sails and cannons and no protection from the ravages of space, and they somehow fly through the infinite void.” “Sounds amazing, it’ll make a billion dollars in theaters!”) won me over. Maybe it’s because this is the movie I would have made when I was young and playing pirates vs. aliens with my Legos.

11. Hercules – Steve Woods as the Lord of the Underworld and Danny DeVito as a disgruntled satyr? Sign me up! Fun, bright, fast-moving, and stylish. The hero’s a lovable doofus, the love interest is actually interesting, and Pain and Panic are great as Hades’ punching bags. “This may be another Hercules!” “Yeah, I mean Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!” “Remember, when all the boys were named Jason and the girls were named Britney?” And the voice of Zeus is the crazy wheelchair coach from “Dodgeball”, so come on. Give this film its props.

12. Snow White – Started it all, amazing achievement, blah blah blah. When all the hype is stripped away from this film, it still stands on its own because it’s an extremely well-made piece of cinema that entertains and delights on every viewing. And I love the villain, but I wish she didn’t die ugly. It would have been nice if she could have transformed back before she died, because no one deserves to die hideous, not even evil queens.

13. Peter Pan – Pure childhood adventure and a work of escapist perfection. It has all the right moves: pirates, flying, mermaid bitches, racist portrayals of Indians, and a great villain. Who didn’t want Peter Pan to fly into their window and take them away to Neverland? Nazi children, that’s who. And I really like Michael. Top hats just scream awesome to me.
Also, shout-out to the Peter Pan-themed level in “Kingdom Hearts”, where you gain the power of flight and fly around the ship fighting monsters with bat wings and pirates flying boats. That was the best level in the game.

14. Mulan – More like “Mulan Rocks”, amiright? Kudos to this film for featuring a central female character who kicks all sorts of ass and whose only preoccupation isn’t just to bag some stud and live happily ever after. Although I guess she is just trying to save her father so she’s still ultimately living for another man, but still, she kicks ass while she’s doing it. And she beats Shan Yu, one of the most effective and menacing villains in Disney’s history. Fun fact: Eddie Murphy was still respected when he made this movie.

15. Bambi – Definitely an odd film. Who would think today of making a movie about a deer who hardly speaks in a bunch of scenes mostly showing off the wonders of nature? If it was made in the modern day it would probably be done by some small independent animation company, and if Disney did make it they’d have to include a fast-talking squirrel and an owl who sings the latest pop songs. But back in the day, Walt Disney pulled this unlikely success off and gave us one of the most tragic scenes in film history (“Mother? Mother?!”). Also, Man is a great villain. And supposedly John Williams was inspired by this movie’s use of music to signify the presence of an unseen villain for “Jaws”. Disney’s influence stretches far.

16. Pinocchio – Or, “How I Learned To Be Afraid Of Everything”. Seriously, there are so many parts in this movie that had me crapping myself. Three scenes-Monstro chasing Pinocchio and his dad on their slapdash raft, Stromboli threatening to chop up our hero into firewood, and the scene where Pinocchio’s friend transforms into a donkey while raggedly crying for his mother-are the holy trinity of frightening, twisted, and depressing animated scenes. I love the song “When You Wish Upon A Star”, even though its message is crap. You got to work for what you want, kids! You can’t just wish for it! Work on the street corners like I did, selling my wares *wink wink* to any interested passerby. And that song makes me think of the comic where Calvin wishes on a star, nothing happens, and he says he’d smoosh Jiminy Cricket if he could. And some good lessons are taught in this film: don’t trust anyone, don’t ever question parental authority, and whales need to be hunted to extinction.

17. Pirates Of The Caribbean – If ever there was a perfect popcorn movie, this is it. It never takes itself too seriously, yet it never resorts to parody; the action scenes are perfectly staged and appropriately heart-thumping; the skeletal villains were a welcome change of pace; the ship and sword battles were highly entertaining; and Keira Knightley makes me feel funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. And Johnny Depp’s star-making performance is now the stuff of legend. Before the makers blew their load over the sequels, this film stood as a testament to how awesome pirate movies could and should be.

18. Lilo & Stitch – I was very surprised when I saw this movie. I’d been dragged along by Mom when I was still a surly teenager and expected to get more of the same animated drivel Disney’d been crapping out on home release and the Disney Channel for years. Boy, it sure is nice to be proved wrong sometimes. The story of an outsider looking for a friend was really touching, the humor was broad without stooping to cheap fart and other bodily function jokes, and the animation perfectly captured the beauty of Hawaii. I also have a soft spot for all things sci-fi, sue me. And Stitch was awesome, and Kelsi sucks. I also loved those two songs, the one at the start and the one from the surfing scene. I put those two on repeat and listened to them over and over again.

19. The Emperor’s New Groove – You want me to piss myself? Just put this on and I guarantee I’ll be laughing hard enough to do so.

20. The Jungle Book – If Peter Pan is childhood fantasy, this is childhood fiction: highly unlikely, but still feasible, and just as delightful. I can’t think of anything bad about running off to the jungle to live with your best friend bear and puma, singing and dancing and pigging out every day on fruit. Well, except for the fact that you’re being hunted by a giant, hypnotic snake and a psychotic, man-eating tiger. And those Beatles vultures were always funny, even more so now that I know who the Beatles are.

21. The Little Mermaid – I loves me my ocean, and even though this is an extremely unrealistic portrayal (why does the shark have the jaw of a snake?), it still tickles my brain to watch the sea floor come to life, especially in the song “Under The Sea”. Ariel was a likable heroine whose dreams of exploring the greater world are universal, Sebastian and the seagull dude were great fun, King Triton was properly imposing, and Ursula is just great, campy, over-the-top fun. And I love the “Part Of Your World” scene. I still sing it when I’m on an elevator that’s going up, much to the chagrin of my fellow passengers.

22. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? – Christopher Lloyd, that’s who. The film that proves that the most ridiculous concept can be pulled off with the right amount of sincerity and wit. The contrasting of the cartoon characters and their anything-works reality with the real, gritty world and its pragmatic nature was nothing short of genius. So hilarious, so weird, so unique, and so well-made. Bob Hoskins totally gives it his all in this role; anything less would have undone the film. Jessica Rabbit is responsible for starting a lot of cartoon fetishes, I’m sure. And is there anything more unsettling than a flattened Christopher Lloyd wobbling around and drinking helium until his eyes pop out? The answer is no. No there is not.

23. Tarzan – Gotta love a ripped man in a loincloth grinding on trees. Did you know that the animators studied the movements of skateboarders for those sequences where he’s sliding through the jungle? All the characters are great in this film, especially Jane’s dopey father. And Terk and Tantor are probably the best comedic relief since Timon and Pumbaa. The scene where Kerchak, a giant gorilla, is dying and saying his last words to Tarzan should be melodramatic and ridiculous, but it makes me tear up. And yes, Phil Collins was phoning it in lyrics-wise, but those songs still get my blood boiling and make me want to go run through jungle on all fours. "Two worlds one family / Trust your heart let faith decide / To guide these lights we see!" What the hell does that mean, Phil?

24. Mary Poppins – Other than “The Wizard Of Oz”, my favorite live action musical. Julie Andrews is just delightful, Dick Van Dyke pulls double duty as Burt and the old, decrepit banking president, and the sequence where they go into the cartoon world and Burt dances with the penguins is still amazing. I heard tale that Julie Andrews had such a filthy mouth that they had to rush the children off the set whenever she got cross. Whether it’s true or not, it’s pretty funny to think about.

25. Robin Hood – AKA “F*ck You, Ayn Rand.” Who doesn’t love the story of Robin Hood? It’s so broad and can be interpreted in such different ways. I love this films playfulness and sense of camaraderie among Robin Hood and his merry men. I also love how Prince John cries and sucks his thumb whenever he’s beaten. The thrill of Robin Hood pulling off a heist was always great. Like “Ocean’s Eleven” with bows and arrows instead of technology and extremely sexy men.

Well, that’s it. Maybe now it’s time to go watch that “Tangled” I’ve heard so much about. Then again, all this talk about Disney movies has made me want to go watch Lion King and Aladdin. Maybe I’ll do that instead.

Oh, and as an aside, listen to this terrifying cover of “Heigh Ho” by Tom Waits and then try to sleep at night. Bet you can't do it!

(It starts about 18 seconds in)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4_zaZ3utUY