Box Office Poison / Tricked

So at the beginning of the semester I picked up a graphic novel called "Tricked", by Alex Robinson. It followed six random people living in New York and showed how their lives intersected, merged, and finally exploded together in the finale. I really loved the art and I reallllly loved the characters, so I recently picked up another graphic novel by Alex Robinson, "Box Office Poison".

"Box Office Poison" is a mammoth, 600-page series of comic anecdotes about a large cast of characters--in a similar style to "Tricked", it follows a wide range of people, some connected, some not, who enter into relationships and make important decisions in New York. They have to deal with insecurity and break-ups and career dead ends.

Am I making this sound boring? It's not boring. Alex Robinson excels at developing likable, believable, varied characters. The relationships he builds are realistic and heartbreaking, at times. The art style is interesting and clean (all black and white, sharp lines, et cetera). He develops the story-lines in surprising and satisfying ways.

It was quite a read, though--600 pages ain't no joke. For that reason, I wouldn't recommend it to non-comic readers. But it still deserves at least 4 out of 5 stars.

Bloody 'ell/ Jolly Good

Well Now this Sherlock show is very good Kelsen thank you and well done.
Likes: I'm always a sucker for classic stories set with a different backdrop. For example I hated The Importance of Being Ernest when I saw it at the Hale Theater. Why? Because they copied the movie with Reese Witherfork to the extreme point of even casting a girl who looked exactly like her in the corresponding role. They even extended their obscene lack of originality by pointing out in the playbill that the similarity between the girl cast and Reese WitheringHeights. I wanted to vomit. If it were me I would have made The Importance of Being Ernest crazy good by making the characters gothic kids, or at least emo brats. So Ernest when in town would be goth but normal when Jack and not in town, Algernon would be emo, as would Cecily (Her rebellious nature showing expressing itself in emo style), Gwendolyn would be punk rocker but stylish buying her threads at Hot Topic, yet secretly wishing to go darker, and Lady Bracknell would, of course, be flaunting classic  Victorian style, umbrella included (maybe 50's conservative (if I felt a little crazy)). The point being that I'm a sucker for pulling stories out of their traditional context. Even the 90's Romeo & Juliet, though not my fav I do give props to, and there's a version of Shakespeare's "As you Like it" that's set in Japan (I haven't seen it though I know it exists).
Casting. At first I thought the choice for Sherlock was an odd one. I've only seen that actor in one other thing. Being The Other Boleyn Girl where he played Scarlet JoHottissenn's (Who by the way is only 4 days younger than myself and a twin??) impotent husband. It's not an appealing role. But as it went on I became extremely pleased with the choice. You see our friend Jr. Robert is too endearing in his portrayal, this isn't a complaint he is superb in the role, but I liked how this other guy got under my skin a little bit. I loved the Watson guy he was great, he was such a conglomeration of traits, simultaneously exhibiting frailty and great strength, kinda goofy while at the same time stylish and attractive.
Not techy. Despite being set in the modern day I very much appreciated how they stayed focused on deduction and didn't bog the story down with technology. They stayed content with just a little cell phone use.
But most of all I loved that they swapped coke for nicotine patches!!! And that's all I really have to say on the matter.

A Life Reclaimed

My life to be exact! Last night at about 1:30, well morning I guess, but when I say last night I almost always mean when I was asleep. I had watched the Kira Knightly movie version a little while ago and decided to pick up the book. It was so great. I constantly giggled and squirmed with all the delight of a the little school girl that I really am. But in all seriousness this book is truly classic and I'll tell you why. Most importantly it fully transports the reader to another place and time. Jane Austen's England might as well be planet zorcareshhemhemil as our own world a couple centuries ago. It provides a wonderful escape, and isn't that what books are for. Further the wit and humor is first rate, if you're following along. Once the characters are firmly established then the little witty side jabs can be fully appreciated. The first half of the book is enjoyed as Lizzy jabs Darcy, but the 2nd half is lovely as snooty little Lizzy gets her just rewards. Suspense. . . not joking. Allow me a comparison that is a cliche as I'm capable of. Pride and Prejudice is like a good romantic comedy. Naturally before the opening theme music and the sweeping scene of Manhattan pan across the screen, you know that the leading roles will find true love embodied in each other in the end. So why do you keep your seat, or not hit eject and put in a murder mystery? The journey, the bumps in the road. I'm not sure if Ms. Austen invented the layout for romantic comedies but it certainly hasn't altered at all since the late 1700's at least. Further this book is considered a "three volume" novel, and our good friend Oscar Wilde in his play, The Importance of Being Ernest, refers several times to a "three volume" novel in several different ways.
Finally I'm afraid I must drop a bomb, Elizabeth Bennett may be, just might, if I dare say, be a gold digger. At first Elizabeth's own "Pride" and "Prejudice" are kindled against Darcy because he's rich and slights her. Granted she does have a huge personal revelation of the introspective kind after reading Darcy's, "here's why I did what I did that you didn't like" letter. But! It isn't until she sees the grand estate of Pemberly that she begins to fall in love with Darcy, and finds herself the truest fool, thinking and I quote, "to be the mistress of a place like Pemberly might really be something" (not literally quote because I'm too lazy to look it up in the book) But after this grand sight that could have all been her's, well the "Proud" Darcy is nothing but amiabilities. Coincidence? I hope not.   

Wait & Hope / Possible Spoiler Alert Ken!!

The Count of Monte Cristo!!! I heard you may or may not be reading this book Ken if you are here's your spoiler alert. Finally I feel like I've read a good book, and it's been a long time since I had that feeling. This book had it all and then some, despite being abridged coming in just shy of 600 pages instead of the over 1000 page behemoth that the full version is. One thing that I loved was I kept getting sucked into the details of the Count's wealth and glamor and forgot that he was constantly master mining the destruction of all the people around him. Yet I must say that I was a bit disappointed with the way the three main targets just popped and fizzed away. But I feel that it is quite cohesive because at the time that all his schemes were coming to fruition he was distracted trying to tie up the unexpected backlash of said schemes. Which backlash is quite entertaining as the Count fancied himself all-knowing only to find out that his supposed omniscience fell short. Further I must admit that I got more into the side story of young Maxmillion Morrel and Valentine than I did the main story line. My only complaint was the end, I felt that Mercedes got a bit too much punishment for her crimes, which were nil, and I didn't care for the way the Count, "Sailed off into the sunset."
Overall though it was an awesome read. The whole book just flowed with a refreshing pace that held my attention and interest constantly through to the end. I read 600 pages of Monte Cristo in a fraction of the time it took me to read the last two books that were a fraction of the length. Why? Because it didn't suck it was so  very good!!

PS: I liked my abridged version because it had endnotes that would quickly sum up plot points that I'm sure would have amounted to hundreds of excess pages in the full-length version.

American History

Just a quick post to let everyone know I'm still alive and reading. I just finished His Excellency by Joseph J. Ellis, a biography about George Washington. Long story short: I now hate Madison, Jefferson, and Hamilton, but I really love Adams.

I checked out four new books from the library today and I already finished one (but it's a graphic novel, so I'll refrain from posting about it on here). So! Expect some renewed activity on the ol' blog from this girl.

I Really Mean It!!

The Catcher in the Rye, or The Rye in the Catcher, or the rye catcher in the. . .
Well it took me about a million years to finish this book, I really mean it, I've been at it all summer. This book was a real pain in the ass, I really mean it, if you'd been reading it you'd think the same thing. I'm certain I been black listed for buying it, I'm not kidding, according to Mel Gibson I'm under government surveillance over it. Had I know I'd have paid cash but I haven't carried cash for million year, I'll tell ya I really haven't. Supposedly there's conspiracy and intrigue surrounding this novel but I don't care enough to look it up at the moment, I really don't. If somebody already knew the intrigue they could feel free to post it for me, I mean if they really knew or felt inclined. If no one gets around to it I'm certain I don't care and I'll show you by posting about it myself if I get motivated. I haven't been motivated for about a century, I really haven't, not since I was 11. I mean don't hold your breath if I don't get a post about the intrigue up first thing in the morning, I mean it don't.
For tonight I'll just sum the book. Like I said it's taken me a long time so I haven't read the thing as a whole, but in pieces. I have a feeling one could read a lot into the different parts and find deeper meaning. Yet this is all I managed to scrounge up.
At first young Holden drove me nuts on and on and round and round he rambled, never saying anything yet always trying to convince me he had. Never really feeling or meaning anything, but he always had to tell me he had. Then I finally figured out what the image on the cover was, a merry go round horse. Here I realized I was being taken for a ride. Like a merry go round Holden was taking me up and down and round and round in circles but we weren't going anywhere and at the end we were back to where we started. But as the gentle rise and fall of a neurotic mind rocked me like rolling ocean waves, I began to like ole Holden, but not too much, I really mean it. . . I'm sure his little sister is symbolic of his humanity which pulls him back from the brink of endless wandering (no doubt in his own mind) His hunting hat certainly represents something as well but I didn't pay enough attention to put my finger on a real idea. Overall it was not a bad read but definitely not a barn burner. I'm sure if you dug into expecting to find shiny nuggets of symbolic randomness one might be able to have their attention held for a noticeable amount of time. I'll admit I didn't give this book all I could have but I don't feel guilty about that, I'm not sure it deserved it in the first place. I really don't.

(This is the picture on the copy I have(I figured the first fit better with my overall critique))

Prague by Arthur Phillips: Lost Generation X

Prague is the story of five Americans who arrive in Hungary in 1990, just as communism has collapsed in that country. These five are all young (in their mid- to late-twenties) and all are looking for different things in life: Scott's a carefree health nut who refuses to make friends or learn the native language, since he believes that making connections brings only stress and pain; John is Scott's younger brother who has followed him to Hungary in an attempt to reconcile their troubled past and develop a meaningful relationship; Emily, an all-American Midwestern from Nebraska who is hiding a pretty big secret within her wholesome demeanor; Charles, a budding capitalist and businessman who knows that there's fortunes to made in the newly free marketplace; and Mark, a gay historian who's both fascinated and tortured by the history behind everything, place, and person he comes across. The only thing these five share is their ironic worldviews, their desire to be part of something important, to live an eventful life, and (though none of them ever admit it) to have a sense of purpose. I'll spoil it for you right now and reveal that none of these characters ever attains anything that could be called meaningful, but that's not the point of the book - the point is to find out why they can't, don't, or won't find meaning.
These characters would be fascinating enough to follow, but the author spices up this book even more by occasionally detailing the history of locations the characters come across; for example, John starts living in an apartment complex that used to be the lavish house of a young nobleman who in 1850, shortly after his marriage, lost his stipend to his older brother because their father could afford to support one of them. So the younger brother starts plotting how, in that very house, he will kill his brother and earn the fortune that is rightly his. You would think that diversions into history like this would be an unnecessary distraction, but you'd be wrong and stupid. These historical short stories contribute a lot of the heart and meaning to the plot by reminding you that there's more to the world than the self-absorbed Gen-X'ers insist on.
I loved this book. It's rare that a book comes along that so perfectly describes not only the environment it's set in but also the time and mood. In other words, this is a picture perfect example of how to do atmosphere and do it right. Reading this book made me feel like I was walking down the cobbled streets of Budapest, taking in all the sights and smells the city had to offer. The last book I remember that transported me so effectively was 'The Sun Also Rises', a book that many reviewers compare to this one, and the comparison goes beyond the ability to establish atmosphere. Like that book it deals with affluent, young Americans going to a foreign country to experience the exotic and the unknown. Like that book it perfectly sums up the era it's set in and the characters it deals with. And like that book, it's sad and occasionally frustrating that the main characters never find any true meaning in their actions because they're too concerned with keeping cool a demeanor and drenching everything in irony. You may walk away from 'Prague' feeling like nothing was learned or gained by the characters, but you'll be extremely entertained the whole time. And hey, as an added bonus, you'll learn a little about Hungary's past.
So all in all, this book is great and I really want to have sex with it. I mean, two thumbs up.

Dystopian nonsense

In the midst of slogging through Don Quixote, I felt the need for some mental relaxation. So, at Tasha's insistence, I picked up Divergent, by Veronica Roth.

It's a young adult novel set in a dystopian version of Chicago, where the citoyennes have split themselves into five factions. Each of the factions is devoted to the pursuit of the acquisition of one certain trait or virtue: the Dauntless pursue bravery, Abnegation (selflessness), Amity (peace), Candor (honesty), and Erudite (intelligence). Each of the factions has a certain role the have to perform in society: the honest rule on laws, the selfless govern, the brave protect. Citizens are free to choose one faction when they turn sixteen, but then they are stuck with that faction for life.

The story follows Tris, a girl who decides to leave her family behind in Abnegation and join Dauntless. She then has to deal with a rough-and-tumble initiation ceremony and an angst-ridden identity crisis where she discovers WHO SHE IS and WHO HER FRIENDS ARE.

Divergent had an incredibly interesting premise and LAME everything else. LAME characters, dialogue, love story. The pacing was awful-- Roth tried to cram way too many storylines into a short book. The main character was flat and I was unable to empathize with her. She completely wasted an awesome idea, which was exasperating.

Basically, Divergent was a poor man's Hunger Games-- just amplify the weaker parts and remove the sweet fight scenes and child deaths.

Don't read Divergent, everybody! It will just leave you frustrated and regretting the time you waste.

SCORE

Divergent by Veronica Roth: D-

The Road

I read this back at the end of April first of May. I wanted to have it with me when I posted but it wasn't that amazing. I was in the book store and I wanted to find a book that I'd never heard of, meaning no movie, not a well known author, totally abscure. I grabbed the road and admit I was foolishly swain by the Pulitzer Prize mumbo jumbo on the top of the book. Yet despite my best efforts after I finished the book I read in the back that the author wrote, All the Pretty Horses (Movie staring Matt Damon and Penolope Cruz), and No Country For Old Men (the Cohen Bros Best Picture winner staring Tommy Lee Jones). Then surprise, surprise, this book is a major motion picture staring Viggo Mortensen. So abstract. . . yeah no. Anywho this book was quite a downer, which wouldn't have bothered me if it hadn't been so predictable. Life on the road in dominated by a post apocaliptic world that has been burned to grey ash, no critters about to eat. At one point the man a boy wandering down the road are ready to starve to death, before I got concerned I looked at the book and said, "hmmm not yet half way, they'll find a mormon bomb/food storage shelter" bit later BOOM! Underground shelter loaded with food. Before this they stumbled upon an old house open up the underground pantry to discover it full of people waiting to be eaten (best to keep them alive, keeps them fresh you know). Then the real kicker, they spy three people walking by two men and a pregnant women. Instantly I said, "They'll eat that baby as soon as it pops out" And yes I was three for three. Wander around, blah blah man destroy their world blah. But the most irritating parts of the book were when it would launch into some strange poetic kick. I'm sure there was something significant buried in these ramblings but I didn't care enough to explore deeper. And that sums up how I felt about the whole thing. Not bad but it never made me care, and the predictability just further distanced me emotionally from the whole experience.

A Tale of Two Stories (Or why Suzanne Collins should stick to action and leave depth to the poets)

Again, my blog titles are awesome. I can't believe how proficient I am at winging out these loaded epitaphs.

Before I proceed to bag on the books and give my closing compliments I must admit that I knocked them out in two days, so I really have to admit that they made for quick and (for the most part) entertaining reading.

That said, let me continue my criticism from the last book. The reason I titled my post the way I did is that I felt that there was an incredible discord in Suzanne's writing from when she was describing the scenes of the Hunger Games to when she was pathetically attempting to construct a deeper narrative involving a sappy and overdone love triangle, an unbelievable political revolution, and the dynamics of teenagers and their ragin hormones.

The reason I loved the scenes with the Hunger Games is that they were written from a primal perspective, I'm following Katniss, the Hunter, the fierce and independent problem-solver who is just another animal in the midst of a scene of depravity and the fact that she cares about anything besides her personal survival is a triumph of humanity. Then I'm thrown into the mix with Katniss the teenager and finally Katniss the Mockingjay, and I have a really hard time not wanting to throw up at all the lame lines spewed by pretty much everyone.

I absolutely cannot stand to hear Katniss discuss how angry she is with District 13 for hanging back as they did rather than full-on engage the Capitol, and how angry she is with Haymitch for not saving Peeta, and how confused she is by all her feelings for everyone as revolutions transpire and people expire, it is too lame for my weak prose, but it sufficeth me to say that there were many moments where the excess made me give serious thought to reading the summary online and skipping all the terrible dialogue.

However, to counter my own criticism, I must admit that these books were written for teenagers and maybe that's the level that Suzanne wants everyone to engage on. I suppose it is a little ridiculous for me to huff and puff over a book that effervesces with teenage girl influence when the book was written for that very audience.

Still, it bothered me.

The other complaint I shall file is the absolute unbelievability of the revolution. It seemed more like the filming of an extended episode of 24 covering the war btwn two competing cable companies w/a mockumentary twist than a serious political movement. I suppose Suzanne is a novelist, not a social scientist, and while her literary betters could capture the essence of conflict in ways that make you wonder, I shouldn't hold it against her for failing to live up to the potential of her context. It just seems cartoonish, the whole affair, and not once did I take it seriously, kind of like watching an episode of Power Rangers.

However, those complaints listed, let me praise the action scenes and the heroine. I finished the two books within the space of 24 hours, and even though I was exasperated with the above-mentioned complaints almost to the point of abandonment, I kept reading and was amply rewarded with awesome drama in the conflicts portrayed. I loved how I could almost viscerally sense the smells of blood and roses, I could imagine the villains and mutts, the fog, the water, it was all so well described. And Suzanne's penchant for action sequences is undeniably.

With the major exceptions of the sappy love triangle, pathetic political posturing, and teenage bopping, Katniss was an awesome heroine. She was fierce, independent, and able to poke someone's eye with an arrow from 50 yards away with her magic talking bow. Very cool. I found myself continually rooting for her despite the circumstances and understanding her conflicted feelings in the midst of immoral demands on her character. It was very good.

Overall I'm glad I read the series, but I won't be rereading any but the Hunger Games in any foreseeable future. I appreciated Suzanne making the morals about the horror of conflict and war and the power of the will, but I think she strayed from a strong story line to one she couldn't manage as well. Ce la vie.

The books are scored as follows:

The Hunger Games 8.5 / 10

Catching Fire 6.5 / 10

Mockingjay 7 / 10

SO THERE!

The Most Dangerous Game (for teenagers)

What a clever title, eh? IT WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS!

Making it in at number 3 on my Kindle reader is the HUNGER GAMES (preceded by Treasure Island and The French Revolution: A Short History [post soon to come]), a book with which all of the writers of this blog are familiar and one which no doubt (!) shall inspire some spirited conversations (at least it better, or I'm quitting this thing for good). Alrighty then! ON TO THE DISCUSSION!

First off, the pros:

I loved the context of the story. A dystopian America where some materialistic capitol in the Rocky Mountains (undoubtedly Denver [where are the Broncos?!]) has control over undefined border regions and exercises that dominion ruthlessly and popularly, an annual exercise of game theory where a completely random selection (not entirely actually, as the author takes great pains to emphasize) of the subjected populace is forced to duke it out in a ever-varied battle royale, and lots and lots of conflict. It is really difficult to imagine a cooler setting for such a story and Suzanne pulled it off in a believable but still ethereal fashion.

The heroine of the story was initially very very very cool. She was independent, very capable, and driven to good works despite a treacherous and unforgiving environment. She hunted, killed, cared for her family, and provided a character very much worth rooting for. HOWEVER, I felt like Suzanne did a little too much to make Katniss more teenage(ish) and more popularly pliable, and the absence of those characteristics were exactly what I found most engaging about the character in the beginning. Further elaboration shall follow, but let me list one more strength.

The action was awesome. Whether Katniss was putting an arrow through her opponents throat or listening to the butchering of a nearby opponent, I felt like I was watching an action movie through my mind, and that is always a treat. Suzanne definitely did not fail to keep you in suspense.

The cons:

The very very stupid love triangle. Lame. Forced. Shallow. Predictable. I wish the element of the love triangle would have been thrown out two paragraphs after being penned, but such dreams turned fanciful in the face of an increasingly hollow love story where I think we have to admit that the author tried way too hard to fabricate something that was completely unnecessary to an otherwise strong story.

The teenage element. I know this is a weak criticism due to the pop-teenage nature of the novel, but I still hold to it. I felt like the author would deviate from her strengths in suspense story-telling to over-emphasize some feature I'm sure she felt needed shoring up, and these seemed to particularly concern the nature of Katniss' feelings. It seemed like there were two Katniss characters, the action hero and the teenage girl, and they didn't seem to be two sides of a single coin so much as substance and shadow.

The predictability of the novel. I know you all agree, but this novel was pegged from pg. 20. The moment you are introduced to a character you know whether they'll live or die (and most of the time in what order [comparatively speaking]) and you also know what the story shall unfold to. It's kind of like opening a present whose contents are mostly known, it just becomes a matter of which flavor.

So there. It was overall a good book, but it could have been better. Much better. I don't feel like I wasted time reading it but I don't feel overly enthused to read the sequels (though I'm certainly more excited to read them than the Harry Potter books)....

VICTORY

I finished Middlemarch! 800 pages of White Middle Class Problems, my favorite! In all seriousness, though, Middlemarch is a great book about a provincial town in 1830s England and all the juicy gossip/scandal/Reformation, et cetera, that happens in and around it. It follows several overlapping storylines about various families and their attempts to marry off their daughters, find employment for their sons, save their farms, and other such business.

It was great! The best way I could describe it would be to say it's like a Jane Austen novel but times four. The payoff was amazing in the end, I was really emotionally invested in a lot of the characters' futures (especially MARY GARTH, this plain, poor girl who is super sarcastic and super witty and she's my hero because despite her plainness she manages to ensnare two hot catches).

The writing was excellent. George Eliot was super profound and incisive. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"A kind Providence furnishes the limpest personality with a little gunk or starch in the form of tradition."

"Signs are small measurable things, but interpretations are illimitable."

"We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time."

"People were so ridiculous with their illusions, carrying their fool's caps unawares, thinking their own lies opaque while everybody else's were transparent, making themselves exceptions to everything, as if when all the world looked yellow under a lamp they alone were rosy."

"People glorify all sorts of bravery except the bravery they might show on behalf of their nearest neighbors."

And a quote by Mary Garth, number one BAMF:

"Husbands are an inferior class of men, who require keeping in order."

YOU TELL EM MARY.

All in all, it was great, such an endeavor! Next up on my roster is Don Quixote, so don't expect to hear from me for several months.

THERE BE PIRATES HERE! YA HAR!!!

Treasure Island! Thar she be! Booty galore if we do our dooty (or take our dooty into ar own ands! YARR!)!

I had not read this book in somewhere close to 12 years, but when I saw it for free on the Kindle App store (which is awesome by the way) I couldn't resist. It's not very long, it's totally written for kids, but from start to finish it involves action, pirates, conspiracy (and counter-conspiracy), death, battle, sailing (though not very well described [come on Robert!]), and absolutely no romance. What more could a boy want from a book?

For those of you who have read it I won't rehash the story, and for those who haven't I won't spoil the wonderful story. It sufficeth me to say that it is a short story about a group of Englishmen who set sail for an island whereon a gruesome and bloodthirsty pirate named Captain Flint buried loads of monies and their attending adventures. There is much death, much action, and much intensity.

While it doesn't quite rise to the depth of character development of my treasured Master and Commander series, it is a short book after all and meant for the entertainment of a considerably younger audience. As soon as my kids are able to read they're going to be given this book as the harbinger of adventures to come!

9.5/10!

The Elegant Universe

The universe, when examined on a near-infinitely small scale, is composed of one-dimensional strings which vibrate at various frequencies and through whose vibrations the entire universe with its attending matter, gravity, energy, etc. is composed.

That is the basic gist of this pop-science read. It's a good book and I enjoyed getting the readers-digest version of what must be mounds and mounds and mounds of equations and theorizing. I must admit that several of the sections flew right through my cranium without any lasting stick, but on the whole it was quite the learning experience.

In my opinion, the best part of the book was his summary of Einstein's theories of general and special relativity. He did a phenomenal job at explaining why light will always appear to be going at the speed of light no matter our speed, how time is an extra dimension within which we all live and operate, how things like Black Holes do zany things to contemporary theories of the universe, and how string theory could solve all our problems.

For those of us interested in astronomy and the workings of the universe, I recommend this book!

8/10

I really should be spending this time moving but whatever

Well, I couldn't resist. The siren song of Disney-related lists drew me back, even though the last one took me a good 2 1/2 hours to complete. I'll only pick five and the descriptions for my five won't be as in-depth as Ken's, but I'll compensate by naming my other favorite things villains do, like songs and lines.

And thanks a lot for getting me on the blog, Ken. Now thanks to you I've lost countless precious minutes of my life to compiling lists, minutes which could have been spent playing videogames or spying on the neighborhood children. That enough of a thank you for ya?

Favorite Villains
1. Scar - Not that I'm gay, but I want to make out with Jeremy Irons. And I want to make sweet whoopie to his voice. Now that's out of the way, Scar was such a douche; I remember the scene where Simba is nuzzling his dad and Scar emerges from the mist and says, "Simba... what have you done?" and I was like "Scar, why are you such a douche?! You just killed his dad and now you're making him feel the guilt! Stop douching it up!" That is the perfect scene in establishing what a sinister character he was, not to mention the "Long the live the king" line.
Favorite line: "Yes. As you wish... your majesty!"

2. Oogie Boogie - Remember that first scene, where you don't see Oogie at first, you just see his shadow and then that bug get sucked out of the cage? So effective. That scared me just as much as any reveal would have. And I love the look and color palette, all bright buzz saws and skeletons lit by blacklights, like a medieval torture/rave chamber. Plus his death was pretty funny.
Favorite line: "J-Jack! But they said you were dead! You must be... double-dead!!"

3. Shere Khan - One thing I love in a villain is suavity and poise; nothing's more frightening than a man who'll bludgeon you to death with a shoe and then casually wipe his hands off with a handkerchief afterward. I'll forgive any atrocity as long as it's committed by someone with good manners. And Shere Khan is the suavest mofo in the jungle, even though he's a blood-thirsty carnivore hungry for manflesh. Sheer brute force + the manners of an English nobleman = good times. And you know what's funny? On the Rotten Tomatoes website, George Sanders' little thumbnail picture is Shere Khan (go to 'All About Eve' to see what I mean). I wonder how it feels to have such a respected career as a stage and film actor and then have the picture representing you be an animated tiger. He's either really flattered or really annoyed up in Actor Heaven.
Favorite line: "You have spirit for one so small. And such spirit is deserving of a sporting chance."

4. Ursula - Though she may place fourth on my list, her laugh is the greatest of all time. Excuse me, her cackle. That, combined with her hair and her dramatic nature, puts her high on my list. And that final scene where she's huge and evil and then gets impaled by the ship is pretty intense.
Favorite line: "It's time for Ursula to take matters into her own tentacles!"

5. Hades - One word: hilarious. That is all.
Favorite line: Do I have to pick just one? Alright then.
Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Honorary mention: Dr. Facilier
So much wasted potential. I felt like they went to all this work to give this guy a great voice, great animation, great backstory, great song, and then they just left him out to dry. He deserved way, way more screen time than he got. And the whole time I was hoping for a titanic showdown where he faced off against Mama Odie. But nope, he just sings a song, dances a bit, shows occasionally to remind you of his evil intentions, and then gets dragged off to voodoo hell. Very disappointing. But I don't care who you are, his shadow moving around and obeying his will is all kinds of awesome.

Favorite song: "Oogie Boogie's Song"

Favorite death: Although I've only recently seen it, I loved the originality of Gothel's demise in "Tangled". Her plummeting to Earth and you expecting her to hit the ground, but instead she evaporates in midair and only her cloak lands. That was sweet.

Favorite Kingdom Hearts battle: Definitely the fight against Captain Hook, where you're flying through the air around his ship and he's leaping after you, swinging his sword and cursing you and your friends.

Favorite actor who makes me question my sexuality: Jeremy Irons, though Steve Woods comes in close second.

Best fight scene: Maleficent vs. Prince Philip. Classic, epic dragon on knight action never gets old, especially not when it's done by Disney and his team at the top of their game.

Top Ten Vilians!

"Well Ken, we sure are impressed to see how you singlehandedly resuscitated an otherwise crumbling blogging community.

"Thank you noble fans. I too am astounded at my seemingly unlimited potential to summon within others powers they never dreamed of utilizing without my impetus.

"You are great. We appreciate all you do.

"Again, thank you noble fans."

WHAT IS INTERESTING IS THAT I NEVER HEARD THIS IN ALL YOUR POSTINGS AND RESPONSES TO MY AWESOME POST! All you did was criticize and whittle! That's it! What kind of noble fans are you?! THE WORST KIND!

Really though, if given another opportunity I would make a few changes to my Disney list. But I feel that the lists we compiled in so many ways reflect our personalities (with the placement of Peter Pan being indicative of one's propensity for adventure [suck that AJ!]!) and that my list especially reveals the inner ethos of my persona.
So, instead of revising, I'm going to continue this listing with my top ten villains of all time! Kelsi said she and Luke had discussed this and I felt I should continue my pattern of trend-setting and get a headstart on everyone.
Before I begin, I must explain this list. Especially with bad guys we have to define those characteristics by which we are assessing the performance of those we rank. For example, do we value those who are truly the most vicious and evil? Or those best able to carry out their diabolical intentions? Or those who we like the most? So many questions, and I was unable to isolate a single series of factors by which to determine my ranking, so I'll just say that this is a completely subjective valuation of who I felt were the best Disney villains in strengthening the story and projecting their dominance through their machinations. That said, let us tarry forth! ON WE GO!

10. Gaston. Ah yeah. The man's man turned bad man is definitely going to make my villain list. Gaston had some evil moments and his fight with the Beast was awesome, if only b/c you couldn't believe there was a human being tough enough to take on the bear/wolf/sasquatch that the Beast was, but for the most part Gaston makes the villain list for being such a strong addition to the story. His song about himself was awesome, his ability to incite a mob was eery, and his blind ambition to obtain the prettiest girl in all the province is intimidating. Gaston showed that a real hunter doesn't just go chasing after ducks and other defenseless fowl, he pursues with relentless absurdity anything that catches his attention and doesn't rest until he is satisfied. For those characteristics, Gaston begins my villain list.

9. Dr. Facilier, aka The Shadow Man. Another villain who, while creepy, is on the list for his ability to help drive the story. The Shadow Man proved to my soul that while Disney would let an otherwise promising project misfire and consign itself to 2D obscurity, they still knew how to conjure up an awesome bad guy. The song "I Got Friends On the Other Side" goes down as one of my most favorite Disney songs of all time, period. It may even top the list for best songs performed by a villain (being in close competition with Gaston's self-promoter). He managed to add spice to a film that I otherwise could not really enjoy and displayed a conflicting character seeking to balance being in control with being subjected to debts beyond his ability to repay. It was a great lesson on making deals with the devil. So thank you, Shadow Man, for helping me partially enjoy what should have been a more epic experience.

8. Monstro. Why whaling doesn't get a worse rap: too many peoplehave seen Pinocchio and think anything which is an enemy of Monstro is a friend of man. I watched a short clip of Monstro's awakening and realized that as a kid I truly couldn't imagine a terror more real than being trapped at sea with an unstoppable leviathan bent on my consumption. Monstro was so terrifying in part because he was portrayed to be so completely evil. You are shown no emotional side of Monstro, only the workings of a creature bent on destruction. He's bad. Very Bad. And Free Willies the world over have suffered a cruel rap at the hands of this villain's image.

7. Hades. You know we can't discuss villains without discussing how awesome James Woods was as the Lord of the Greek Underworld. He was entertaining, evil, and as all other good Disney villains are, hell-bent on conquest and domination. He got a bad rap from his all-powerful older brother and spent eons in the deep dark recesses of the world's abysmal spirit caverns. While many things in Hercules are sure to bother even the most elementary of Greek enthusiasts, you couldn't help but love Hades and his unfailing ability to make you crack a smile as he was cracking wise and plotting big. Also, the scene with the Titans where Hades informs them that Olympia is in the opposite direction of their terrorizing is priceless.

6. Queen Grimhilde. Vanity, thy name is Queen Grimhilde. This villain was brought to ruin by

her consuming desire for comparative beauty and it drove her to such undreamable heights as the attempted murder of the fairest, most innocent, and highest-pitched-voice damsel in the kingdom! It was tragic to watch the heights (literally) she went to in order to bring to pass her maniacal plans to fruition.

Also, Luke said he wished that Disney wouldn't have killed her off in her ugly period, but I think that was very poignantly deliberate. Moral lessons go to great lengths to help us visualize the effects of sin and vice, and I think Disney was going for the throat in demonstrating that the Evil Queen, while 2nd most beautiful, was 1st in the inner ugliness department, and she would die that way.

5. Jafar. I love how we've nearly universally acclaimed the racist and sexist stereotype Disney presented and lambasted in the character of Jafar. He has everything all the character traits that we despise: he looks like a snake, he views women as objects of man's desire and nothing more, he plots against the rightful (though bumbling) sovereign, and he taunts in puns (thanks for pointing that out Luke!). Not only that, but Jafar has one of the most entertaining sidekicks in the Disney pantheon, and their duo never seemed to quit dealing out domination and entertainment throughout the Aladdin sojourn.

4. Captain Hook. What is it with Disney villains and their obsession with some unobtainable quest? It seems that when Disney was founded Walt sat everyone down and said, "Listen, in every movie we make that is worth anything at all, I want you to insure that the villain is consumed with something antithetical to the cause of goodness. Don't make them dabblers, make them manics, and we will define villainy forever!" I don't know if he really said that, but he sure drove home the point with each of my preceding choices, and Captain Hook is no different. He lost a hand and he couldn't let it go (get it?!) and it took him from the position of a respected and wealthy plunderer to a scared ninny constantly on the run from an equally terrifying crocodile. I love the delivery of Captain Hook. He was the gentleman villain. While he wasn't afraid to break a promise or push the bounds of villain propriety, he still managed to stay clean shaven and well groomed. I also can't help but think that Disney wanted people to compare Cpt. Hook to the bungling French attempts to defeat the obvious English/American adventuring type represented by Peter Pan. WE KNOW THEY COULD NEVER TAKE US!

3. Cruella de Vil. While Cruella de Vil doesn't take home the prize for top villain in my list, I cannot deny her ubiquitous presence in the ethos of Disney villainy. She is by far the most recognized of the Disney villains, her tribute song is the most well known (it has its own jingle for crying out loud!), and her polar bear fur coat insures that she will continue to be hated as our society grows increasingly environmentally conscious (at least we tell ourselves we're more environmentally conscious). I wish I enjoyed 101 Dalmations more. I'm sure that if I did Cruella could have reached that infamous apex reserved for the best Disney villain.

2. Scar. Scar is second only to one in taking home the prize of best villain in my estimation. He perfectly personifies everything that we hate in villains: he's brilliant, ruthless (even to the point of killing his own brother, and attempting the lionicide of his nephew), he beats on women, subjects all to his will, and sings a piece featuring prominent Nazi and North Korea allegories throughout! Not only that, but Jeremy Irons delivered such a flawless performance that it was difficult at times to not root for Scar out of sheer love for his animating personality.

The moment when Scar digs his claws into Mufasa's desperate paws as he attempts to escape and whispers into his ears, "Long, live, the King" and then releases him to the wildebeast's stampede shall go down as one of the pinnacle moments of Disney film, and only a villain such as Scar voiced by a legend such as Jeremy Irons have pulled it off.

1. Maleficent. Bret told me when we were young that if he ever owned a boat or was captain of some ship he would name it Maleficent, and a casual glance at any Disney poster featuring this villain yields a persuasive justification. Maleficent demonstrated that true villainy, properly executed, can inspire unparalleled fear in the masses of children fortunate enough to purview a glimpse of true evil which will forever alter their perception of the world. Maleficent singlehandedly persuaded me to hate darkness, brambles, statues, crows, women magicians, dragons that weren't voiced by Sean Connery, and unholy flame, and those prejudices shall accompany me into my grave (wherein Maleficent shall have her final victory as my body is engulfed in darkness until the resurrection of our Lord commences for God's children). I cannot adequately describe what an effect she had on me, but to say that she defines the term villain is a gross understatement. When she emerges from her spell transformed into a dragon I admit that I still get just a bit squeemish (though I'm totally ready to rock on and take her on in whatever form of heroism such a feat entails).

I also love that Maleficent was ultimately defeated by the forces of righteousness and truth (with its obvious Christian overtones) and that while she was in her most absolutely abominable form.

SO THERE! Again I am the trend-setter! Let's see your responses to that!

Holy crap, that took a while

Rejoice ye forsaken masses, for I'm finally back to writing on the book blog, and the only thing that could bring me back is the desire to talk about my love for all things Disney. And I feel guilty after months of Kelsi asking me to post and everyone putting so much time and effort into their posts. But mostly I just want to show that I am the greatest Disney fan. The greatest.

Some things about my list:
- I will only pick twenty-five. Sorry Ken, but some of us can't afford to put sixty movies on our list. Some of us have families to feed.
- For reasons already detailed, I'll limit my selection of Pixar movies to only one. Which one? Read on to find out! The suspense is killing you, I'm sure.
- I will try to restrain myself from using the words 'magic', 'nostalgic', 'racist', 'portrayal', and 'timeless' too much, but it’ll be difficult.
- I haven’t watched “Tangled” yet, I’m sure I’ll love it.

Starting from #1…

1. Aladdin - This one and Lion King will always hold a special place in my heart for a number of reasons; they came out around the same time (in my mind at least); they both struck an emotional cord with me; and I can watch either one at any time, no matter what else is going on. I've also watched each one about fifty times apiece and listened to their commentary tracks. So yeah. But why does this one edge out to #1? Because it's freaking amazing, that's why. It has everything: romance, adventure, a scrappy/sexy hero who overcomes all odds, hilarious side characters (Abu, Raja, Arab people), arguably the prettiest Disney princess, a wonderfully racist portrayal of a dastardly villain, and to top it all off, Robin Williams at his comedic, coked-out best. Throw in some superb songs, great action/chase scenes, and that hilarious part where Jafar keeps spouting puns before he casts a spell ("I'm just getting warmed up!!" *breathes fire* "Get the point?" *swords fall from sky* "Things are unraveling fast now, street rat!" *turns the Magic Carpet into yarn*) and what do you get? A-freaking-laddin.
And that scene where they're escaping from the crumbling Cave of Wonders on the Magic Carpet still blows my mind into a million pieces and makes me curse God for not giving me the power to fly and science for not inventing an affordable jetpack.

2. The Lion King - And where do I start with this one? This is probably the first truly "epic" movie I saw. Seeing that opening scene in the theater where the sun rises over the waking African savanna punched me in the brain so hard I started to see spots. I also cried until my eyes burned when Mufasa dies and Simba's trying to wake him up, but that's a whole bag of trauma best left unopened. Anyway, more than the gorgeous and lush visuals, more than the Elton John-penned songs, more than the amazing story, what really sets this movie above and beyond is the cast. Mufasa with his deep, booming voice who was both regal and fatherly; the wise and insane Rafiki, with his absurdist banana song and mastery of kung fu; Timon & Pumbaa with their awesome back and forth dialogue ("You talking to me?" "Shouldn't have done that!" "You talking to me?!" "Now they're in for it!" "They call me Mr. Pig! Ahhhh!"); the terribly inept henchmen, the hyenas; the tough and sexy Nala who filled me with extremely confusing feelings in my youth; the greatest Disney villain ever-that's right, I said it-voiced by the inimitable Jeremy Irons; Zazu, the hopelessly stodgy right-hand man; and, of course, Simba, who manages to believably make the transition from young and wild ruffian to carefree vagrant trying to forget his past to, ultimately, a lion who realizes that he must take the hard path to reclaim his throne and his destiny.
I later learned (later being 2009) that this movie was a rip-off of a Japanese film called "Kimba The White Lion" that none of the creators bothered to mention even in the credits, but you know what? Not even that cynical little fact can diminish this movie's greatness in my mind's eye. Long live Simba!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAA SEBENYAAAAA MAMA MEE TEE MAMO SIMOO SEN YA AY SEN YA OH!

3. The Nightmare Before Christmas - No film has influenced my cultural tastes as much as this film. The dark and twisted setting, the weird, eccentric protagonist, the freaky love interest, the comically over-the-top villain, etc. It all started here. The fact that my favorite solo artist is Tom Waits and my favorite videogame is Psychonauts is a testament to the impact of this movie. My appreciation of this movie has definitely deepened as I've aged. This is one of the few films that manage to strike a perfect balance between style and substance. The way Tim Burton and his team combined silent movie-era German surrealism imagery, Gothic Orchestra-meets-Broadway song and dance numbers, and modern animation aesthetics still has yet to be matched, technically or conceptually. And the story can still strike a chord with just about anyone who feels misunderstood and trapped by their circumstances (like I did when I was young and weird. Nothing like I am today). The fact that it was all done using stop-motion is nothing short of astounding.
And holy hell, let's talk about what a terrifying concept Oogie Boogie is. Good lord, a giant bag of bugs who eats small creatures while cackling maniacally. How many nightmares did he give me? A lot, that's how many. All of which ended in me awakening curled up in a fetal position, lying in a pool of my own urine.
Too bad Tim Burton is one of the most derivative filmmakers working today. Watch this film and you realize just how much vision the man had before he decided to smother it with a massive bag of money. And while I’m talking about shamelessly cashing in artistic vision for moolah, screw Hot Topic to hell. All the way to hell.

4. Alice In Wonderland - The perfect movie for a young, hyperactive child AKA me: no real story to follow, no characters to get attached to, no motives to decipher. Just a girl, lost in a world of her imagination populated by absolutely mad denizens who occasionally break out into songs about the joys of caucus races and the merits of not losing your head to a mad queen. There's not a lot I can say about this movie owing to its bizarre tone and meandering narrative, but this movie is definitely the sum of its parts and is not for everyone. For someone weird with off-kilter tastes like me, however, watching this film is like going on a good acid trip, one where all the phantoms are friendly and colorful and don’t want to steal your soul magic. So I've been told, I've never dropped acid. Makes holes in your brain, you know.

5. Wall-E – Making movies is no easy task. The amount of work by so many people that goes into a single film is really staggering when you think about it: you need the director, the actors, the crew, the producers, and more all working in tandem, which can add up to dozens, if not hundreds, of people working on a single project. To actually sort through that chaos and emerge with a great movie is an incredible feat. To make multiple great movies is akin to going to the moon and back a bunch of times times. But to make nothing but classics is what Pixar does every day. And from that near-flawless pedigree (Cars is not a great movie, sorry Ken), which one is the king? The little robot that can, Wall-E. I love the quirky yet eerie first half, I love the beautiful romance that develops between two robots who can’t even speak, I love the ballet in space scene, I love the fat human trundling along to the song “2001” made famous, I love the message warning against complacency and wastefulness, and I love, love Wall-E and his romantic, dancing ways. But mostly, I love this movie for making me feel like a kid again without being condescending or insulting my intelligence. So bravo, Pixar. You made it high on my list of the best Disney films ever, and to be recognized by Luke Kitchen is one of the greatest honors man can receive.

6. Beauty And The Beast – My favorite princess movie (unless Alice In Wonderland counts, but I think she’s just the princess of weird imagery and oblique metaphors). It’s funny that this film came out of Disney’s revival era in the late 80’s/early 90’s, yet it wouldn’t feel out of place if it came out between Snow White and Pinnochio. It has all the elements of an old classic Disney would have been proud to have worked on: the melodrama, the romance, the over-the-top villain, the kooky characters, the songs. And yet it manages to feel completely new even while it makes use of old cinema tropes. That’s probably why it was nominated for a Best Picture and why it’s still beloved to this day. Audiences of all stripes can enjoy this, young and old. And it has some of Disney’s single best scenes: the wolf fight, Gaston vs. the Beast, the musical number for “Be Our Guest”, and, of course, the ballroom dance (and its tragic aftermath). And I will always break out into an idiotic grin whenever I watch the servants all attack the invaders. Genius!

7. Fantasia – Definitely the artiest film on this list, it’s much like Alice In Wonderland: a series of separate scenes that don’t really serve a larger narrative but, taken as a whole, add up to something truly spectacular that takes full advantage of the technology available to it at the time. I love those dancing Chinese mushrooms. And what the hell was Disney taking when he dreamt up the Chernobog scene? Freaky stuff. Fun fact: this film flopped on release, but in the sixties it had a revival when Disney Studios re-released it and targeted it towards the burgeoning hippy youth with taglines like “Fantasia: A true experience of the senses!” Surprise surprise, it did quite well.

8. The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh – You all know he’s my favorite Disney character. I don’t know why I identify with a slow, pudgy bear who loves to eat himself into a coma, but I do. But Pooh being a great character wouldn’t be enough if he wasn’t surrounded by an equally lovable cast and their adventures weren’t great fun. But he is, they are, and this film is all the better for it. It truly feels like a timeless storybook come to life, one that parents can read to their kids, who'll eventually read it to theirs.

9. The Hunchback Of Notre Dame – Good, operatic fun. Probably my favorite soundtrack of any Disney film. Tony Jay makes anything better, the gargoyles are very funny, the action scenes are great and original, and the protagonist is lovable and tragic. Although this film definitely changes its tone abruptly and often, going from funny and lighthearted to dark and scary. Case in point: the festival scene, where we start with a boisterous song in a carnival atmosphere and end in a scene of persecution and torture. What?

10. Treasure Planet – Seems I’m the only one who feels this film lived up to its potential. Too bad movie-going audiences didn’t feel that way and this was a huge flop. High-flying adventure coupled with a ridiculous concept (“Pirate ships in SPACE!!” “Like, spaceships piloted by criminals who attack other ships?” “No no, ships. As in sails and cannons and no protection from the ravages of space, and they somehow fly through the infinite void.” “Sounds amazing, it’ll make a billion dollars in theaters!”) won me over. Maybe it’s because this is the movie I would have made when I was young and playing pirates vs. aliens with my Legos.

11. Hercules – Steve Woods as the Lord of the Underworld and Danny DeVito as a disgruntled satyr? Sign me up! Fun, bright, fast-moving, and stylish. The hero’s a lovable doofus, the love interest is actually interesting, and Pain and Panic are great as Hades’ punching bags. “This may be another Hercules!” “Yeah, I mean Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!” “Remember, when all the boys were named Jason and the girls were named Britney?” And the voice of Zeus is the crazy wheelchair coach from “Dodgeball”, so come on. Give this film its props.

12. Snow White – Started it all, amazing achievement, blah blah blah. When all the hype is stripped away from this film, it still stands on its own because it’s an extremely well-made piece of cinema that entertains and delights on every viewing. And I love the villain, but I wish she didn’t die ugly. It would have been nice if she could have transformed back before she died, because no one deserves to die hideous, not even evil queens.

13. Peter Pan – Pure childhood adventure and a work of escapist perfection. It has all the right moves: pirates, flying, mermaid bitches, racist portrayals of Indians, and a great villain. Who didn’t want Peter Pan to fly into their window and take them away to Neverland? Nazi children, that’s who. And I really like Michael. Top hats just scream awesome to me.
Also, shout-out to the Peter Pan-themed level in “Kingdom Hearts”, where you gain the power of flight and fly around the ship fighting monsters with bat wings and pirates flying boats. That was the best level in the game.

14. Mulan – More like “Mulan Rocks”, amiright? Kudos to this film for featuring a central female character who kicks all sorts of ass and whose only preoccupation isn’t just to bag some stud and live happily ever after. Although I guess she is just trying to save her father so she’s still ultimately living for another man, but still, she kicks ass while she’s doing it. And she beats Shan Yu, one of the most effective and menacing villains in Disney’s history. Fun fact: Eddie Murphy was still respected when he made this movie.

15. Bambi – Definitely an odd film. Who would think today of making a movie about a deer who hardly speaks in a bunch of scenes mostly showing off the wonders of nature? If it was made in the modern day it would probably be done by some small independent animation company, and if Disney did make it they’d have to include a fast-talking squirrel and an owl who sings the latest pop songs. But back in the day, Walt Disney pulled this unlikely success off and gave us one of the most tragic scenes in film history (“Mother? Mother?!”). Also, Man is a great villain. And supposedly John Williams was inspired by this movie’s use of music to signify the presence of an unseen villain for “Jaws”. Disney’s influence stretches far.

16. Pinocchio – Or, “How I Learned To Be Afraid Of Everything”. Seriously, there are so many parts in this movie that had me crapping myself. Three scenes-Monstro chasing Pinocchio and his dad on their slapdash raft, Stromboli threatening to chop up our hero into firewood, and the scene where Pinocchio’s friend transforms into a donkey while raggedly crying for his mother-are the holy trinity of frightening, twisted, and depressing animated scenes. I love the song “When You Wish Upon A Star”, even though its message is crap. You got to work for what you want, kids! You can’t just wish for it! Work on the street corners like I did, selling my wares *wink wink* to any interested passerby. And that song makes me think of the comic where Calvin wishes on a star, nothing happens, and he says he’d smoosh Jiminy Cricket if he could. And some good lessons are taught in this film: don’t trust anyone, don’t ever question parental authority, and whales need to be hunted to extinction.

17. Pirates Of The Caribbean – If ever there was a perfect popcorn movie, this is it. It never takes itself too seriously, yet it never resorts to parody; the action scenes are perfectly staged and appropriately heart-thumping; the skeletal villains were a welcome change of pace; the ship and sword battles were highly entertaining; and Keira Knightley makes me feel funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. And Johnny Depp’s star-making performance is now the stuff of legend. Before the makers blew their load over the sequels, this film stood as a testament to how awesome pirate movies could and should be.

18. Lilo & Stitch – I was very surprised when I saw this movie. I’d been dragged along by Mom when I was still a surly teenager and expected to get more of the same animated drivel Disney’d been crapping out on home release and the Disney Channel for years. Boy, it sure is nice to be proved wrong sometimes. The story of an outsider looking for a friend was really touching, the humor was broad without stooping to cheap fart and other bodily function jokes, and the animation perfectly captured the beauty of Hawaii. I also have a soft spot for all things sci-fi, sue me. And Stitch was awesome, and Kelsi sucks. I also loved those two songs, the one at the start and the one from the surfing scene. I put those two on repeat and listened to them over and over again.

19. The Emperor’s New Groove – You want me to piss myself? Just put this on and I guarantee I’ll be laughing hard enough to do so.

20. The Jungle Book – If Peter Pan is childhood fantasy, this is childhood fiction: highly unlikely, but still feasible, and just as delightful. I can’t think of anything bad about running off to the jungle to live with your best friend bear and puma, singing and dancing and pigging out every day on fruit. Well, except for the fact that you’re being hunted by a giant, hypnotic snake and a psychotic, man-eating tiger. And those Beatles vultures were always funny, even more so now that I know who the Beatles are.

21. The Little Mermaid – I loves me my ocean, and even though this is an extremely unrealistic portrayal (why does the shark have the jaw of a snake?), it still tickles my brain to watch the sea floor come to life, especially in the song “Under The Sea”. Ariel was a likable heroine whose dreams of exploring the greater world are universal, Sebastian and the seagull dude were great fun, King Triton was properly imposing, and Ursula is just great, campy, over-the-top fun. And I love the “Part Of Your World” scene. I still sing it when I’m on an elevator that’s going up, much to the chagrin of my fellow passengers.

22. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? – Christopher Lloyd, that’s who. The film that proves that the most ridiculous concept can be pulled off with the right amount of sincerity and wit. The contrasting of the cartoon characters and their anything-works reality with the real, gritty world and its pragmatic nature was nothing short of genius. So hilarious, so weird, so unique, and so well-made. Bob Hoskins totally gives it his all in this role; anything less would have undone the film. Jessica Rabbit is responsible for starting a lot of cartoon fetishes, I’m sure. And is there anything more unsettling than a flattened Christopher Lloyd wobbling around and drinking helium until his eyes pop out? The answer is no. No there is not.

23. Tarzan – Gotta love a ripped man in a loincloth grinding on trees. Did you know that the animators studied the movements of skateboarders for those sequences where he’s sliding through the jungle? All the characters are great in this film, especially Jane’s dopey father. And Terk and Tantor are probably the best comedic relief since Timon and Pumbaa. The scene where Kerchak, a giant gorilla, is dying and saying his last words to Tarzan should be melodramatic and ridiculous, but it makes me tear up. And yes, Phil Collins was phoning it in lyrics-wise, but those songs still get my blood boiling and make me want to go run through jungle on all fours. "Two worlds one family / Trust your heart let faith decide / To guide these lights we see!" What the hell does that mean, Phil?

24. Mary Poppins – Other than “The Wizard Of Oz”, my favorite live action musical. Julie Andrews is just delightful, Dick Van Dyke pulls double duty as Burt and the old, decrepit banking president, and the sequence where they go into the cartoon world and Burt dances with the penguins is still amazing. I heard tale that Julie Andrews had such a filthy mouth that they had to rush the children off the set whenever she got cross. Whether it’s true or not, it’s pretty funny to think about.

25. Robin Hood – AKA “F*ck You, Ayn Rand.” Who doesn’t love the story of Robin Hood? It’s so broad and can be interpreted in such different ways. I love this films playfulness and sense of camaraderie among Robin Hood and his merry men. I also love how Prince John cries and sucks his thumb whenever he’s beaten. The thrill of Robin Hood pulling off a heist was always great. Like “Ocean’s Eleven” with bows and arrows instead of technology and extremely sexy men.

Well, that’s it. Maybe now it’s time to go watch that “Tangled” I’ve heard so much about. Then again, all this talk about Disney movies has made me want to go watch Lion King and Aladdin. Maybe I’ll do that instead.

Oh, and as an aside, listen to this terrifying cover of “Heigh Ho” by Tom Waits and then try to sleep at night. Bet you can't do it!

(It starts about 18 seconds in)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4_zaZ3utUY

I feel like I need to go take a nap now.

Yep, this was fun and also time-consuming. I omitted Pixar films, because I still view Pixar as more of a stand-alone company (although I might pull an AJ and list the Pixar films themselves in order of how much I love them). Also, I have to say: I didn't worry so much about the order of the movies until about my top twenty, so resist the urge to be nitpicky.

Also, FYI: Rotten Tomatoes wrote a top 50 animated Disney films list that inspired me and Kenneth to do this. Here's the link, see what you think about it, I seem to remember thinking that the list-writer was on all the crack. Pinocchio at number one? Drugs are the only explanation! Also, the very idea that Home on the Range was ranked higher than Robin Hood literally makes me want to shoot something with a harpoon gun.

50. National Treasure

HAHAAHAHAHAH JK Y’ALL. I’ve never actually seen this movie, and now that Nicholas Cage is a source of recurring nightmares for me, I never actually will. On to the real list!

49. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

In my opinion, Disney Studios does animation best, and so the bottom three of my list is populated heavily with live action films. These are films I enjoyed, for sure, but can’t quite oust the actual animated stories (in my opinion). Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is one such movie. I remember loving it as a kid (and fantasizing about shrinking down and having my own terrifying adventures). Also, there is a playground at Hollywood Studios in DisneyWorld that is modeled after the backyard scene in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Cool, right?

48. The Santa Clause

I freaking love Tim Allen. This will always be one of my favorite Christmas movies, no matter how many awful sequels it spawns.

47. Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Meh. Atlantis never really did it for me. Like Ken said, it was a great idea, with poor execution. Disney basically blew its chance to hop on the steampunk train a few years early with an instant classic. But the animation is gorgeous and the concepts are pretty excellent, so it makes the top fifty.

46. Treasure Planet

Again—great ideas, poor execution. Also, NO LOVE INTEREST. What? That doesn’t do it for me. I need a love interest in a Disney movie or I get intensely bored, okay? However, it does feature the voice talents of Joseph Gordon-Levitt (soon to be Alberto Falcone in The Dark Knight Rises, yesssss), which is nice. Cool ideas, pretty, et cetera.

45. The Muppet Christmas Carol

Don’t lie: this is one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Mostly because of Michael Caine, but also because of everything else.

44. Lilo and Stitch

“I am going to stuff you in the blender, push ‘puree’, then bake you into a pie and feed it to the social worker, and when he says, ‘Mmm, this is great, what’s your secret?’ I’m gonna say….love and….nurturing!” This movie had some great lines, great moments, great music. HOWEVER, I hate the character of Stitch, I hate him hate him hate him. I hate the fact that you can meet him in the Magic Kingdom. He’s the worst. If the movie had just been Lilo, it would have been perfect.

43. The Aristocats

Two things made this movie great for me: the music and the geese. Other than that, it’s pretty forgettable. (The entertainment department here in WDW doesn’t feel that way, though. You can meet the youngest cat, Marie, in Epcot France, and there is a ton of merchandise for her. Weird!)

42. Bambi

Whatever, Bambi. Thanks for manipulating my emotions by killing his mother right at the beginning. I don’t like this movie very much. But the animation was beautiful and there was some nice music, so whatever. Also this was reportedly Walt Disney's favorite movie he had ever worked on, which counts for something in my book.

41. Pinocchio

Guess what, everyone? Pinocchio is absolutely terrifying. When was the last time you watched it? Do you remember how the young boys who went gallivanting off to Pleasure Island got turned to DONKEYS and shipped off to the SALT MINES, where they were most likely brutally worked to death? What the hell, Disney? Where’s the whimsy and the childish fantasy? Because all I see is a waking nightmare. NO THANKS, PINOCCHIO. It’s in my top fifty only because, admittedly, the animation was groundbreaking at the time, and it’s still a very beautiful movie to watch. And also unintentionally hilarious, at some parts.

40. Ponyo

I just saw this last night and decided to count it, even though I probably shouldn’t because I’m not counting Pixar, et cetera et cetera. ANYWAY WHATEVER. Ponyo had some awesome imagery (a whale swimming over a road! By a tree)! Bright colors! And an amazing voice cast (holy cow, Cate Blanchett, Liam Neeson, Tina Fey, Betty White!). And overall, it was an enjoyable experience. BUT ALSO SO FREAKING WEIRD, in a Japanese, why-is-this-happening kind of way. Why did Ponyo turning human pull the moon closer to earth? That literally makes zero sense whatsoever, and they didn’t even attempt to explain it in the movie. Humph.

39. Lady and the Tramp

If not for the music, I would have forgotten that this movie existed a long time ago. However, it did give us such classics as “Bella Notte” and “He’s a Tramp”, so I guess that means I LOVE IT.

38. Oliver and Company

Billy Joel Billy Joel Billy Joel BILLY JOEL.

37. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

This movie terrifies me to this day. But it’s still clever, well acted (Bob Hoskins is really one of the greatest actors of our time, Adrian Brody said so), and fun to watch. And it spawned one of the greatest rides: Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin at Disneyland.

36. The Emperor’s New Groove

“How did you get here before us?” “I’m not sure. I mean, logically, it just doesn’t make sense.” While a little disappointing length-wise and music wise, this movie was hilarious. HILARIOUS. David Spade needs to do more things, end of story. Also Yzma is another one of my favorite villains, is that okay with you guys?

35. Dumbo

“The very things that held you down are going to carry you up, and up, and up!” This is another pretty forgettable movie for me. The quickest way to lose my attention with a movie is to omit a love interest, and that’s a tidbit you can take right to the bank.

34. The Three Caballeros

I remember almost nothing about this movie except for loving it. I still get the title song stuck in my head sometimes. It makes the cut!

33. Cinderella

Uuuuuh, not my favorite. HOWEVER, I really like Cinderella’s character design (that movie is chock-full of 50s fashion, my favorite fashion of them all), and I like the fact that the evil cat is named Lucifer. HOW GREAT IS THAT. Also Walt Disney once said that he viewed the scene where Cinderella's work clothes turns into her famous silver dress as a visual embodiment of dreams coming true. That makes me love it a little bit more.

32. Alice in Wonderland

Well I don’t love this movie as much as Luke, but it’s still pretty great. Mostly because the Queen of Hearts, and the Cheshire Cat, but Tweedledee and Tweedledum are pretty cool, also. Alice is a tidge bit annoying, though. I HAD TO SAY IT.

31. James and the Giant Peach

Holy cow, this movie was so so great. And terrifying. But mostly great. A giant peach, with giant bugs, carried by seagulls? A mechanical shark with rusty rows of teeth? And a rhino or something? What was that rhino symbolic of, I wonder? Someone enlighten me. And the best part about James and the Giant Peach was that he got to stay with his friends forever in the end. There was none of that crap, “You’re a man now, James, and we have to go back to the wild.” I hate those types of endings. But this one was all, “Nope, we’ll live together, it’s a-okay cool. No problems with that.” Which is how it should be.

30. Enchanted

There are many things that I really, really love about Enchanted. James Marsden and Amy Adams are absolute scene-stealers. All of the obvious (and lighthearted) digs at classic Disney princess movies are clever. But I hated Patrick Dempsey, I hated the stupid ending, and I hated the fact that they cast Idina Menzel as the annoying girlfriend and she didn’t get to sing ONCE. What the heck? That in itself pushes Enchanted back on the list.

29. The Little Mermaid

URSULA MAKES THIS MOVIE. You all know what I’m talking about. Ariel is pretty annoying still, though.

28. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

Mostly because Winnie the Pooh reminds me so much of Luke (because he loves him, y’all. Not because Luke is obese and addicted to honey). The sketchy animation style of this movie really does it for me. (Also, I am SO SO EXCITED for the new Pooh movie coming out this summer. Even the horribly edited preview can't turn me off.)

27. Mulan

This movie is better than I give it credit for. I really loved Mulan as a character. And “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” is one of the best montage scenes ever. I think they could have pushed for a little more of a Chinese influence, though—in their animation and their music. It would have given the movie a little more staying power, in my opinion.

26. Bedknobs and Broomsticks

I have a deep and abiding love for this movie. It helped me to believe in magic and it gave the world the great song, “Portobello Road.”

25. A Goofy Movie

This movie is awesome and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Not only does it have the greatest 90’s music there ever was, it also has discernible character development. It deserves some kudos.

24. Pete’s Dragon

This movie is awesome, mostly because: a) the soundtrack is really, really great (go look up “It’s Not Easy” on YouTube and prepare to have your frigid heart melted) and b) Mickey Rooney is a crazy lighthouse keeper, and also c) the bad wizard or whatever is really, really funny. I love Pete’s Dragon for the campy, cheesy fun that it is.

23. The Rescuers

There’s only one thing I really remember about this movie: Madame Medusa, a really excellent bad guy. Also she had two pet alligators, for no reason. HOW GREAT.

22. The Sword in the Stone

Merlin was great, the music was great, but this movie suffers from a common problem: pacing issues. It’s too short! Wart is crowned king and BAM! Done! But I still love it.

21. Meet the Robinsons

I love this movie, probably a little more than I am supposed to. I loved the message about family, and all the characters, and Mike Yagoobian, and the inventions. And the quote that they use in the end, by Walt Disney, is one of my favorites ever: “Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep looking forward, opening up new doors and doing new things…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

20. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I would feel like a bad Disney fan if I didn’t appreciate this movie for what it truly is: the one that started it all. Walt put a lot of his heart and soul into Snow White, and it shows. Too bad the Prince looks like a fourteen-year old girl.

19. The Hunchback of Notre Dame

This movie is severely underappreciated. The leads are strong and the music is amazing and the animation is gorgeous. And Frollo is a CREEP. Remember that song “Hellfire”? Creepy!

18. Muppet Treasure Island

I’M NOT ASHAMED. If we’re going to count these Muppets movies as Disney movies, Muppet Treasure Island deserves to be near the top. This movie will hold its own against any other comedies, kid-friendly or not. BECAUSE IT’S HILARIOUS. “Jim Jim Jimmy Jim Jim Jim.”

17. Beauty and the Beast

The pros: Gaston and his great song, the townspeople and their great song, Crazy Maurice and his goggles, Cogsworth and Lumiere and their witty banter. The cons: Belle and her annoying crying scenes, the Beast and all his annoying moody emotions. Despite these, I truly love this movie and wish it had won the Oscar.

16. Tarzan

This is a very well-done Disney movie, in all respects: the African scenery is really gorgeous, Clayton is an awesome bad-guy (who meets a very grisly end), Tarzan is quite a man’s man, and I like the character of Jane. However, it has to be said: Phil Collins was really phoning it in when he wrote the lyrics to the music.

The power to be strong/and the wisdom to be wise/all these things will come to you in time/in learning you will teach/and in teaching you will learn

Every time I hear these words, I cringe.

15. Sleeping Beauty

There’s no getting around it: even though Aurora and her parents are incompetent dips, this movie is beautiful. The landscapes are heart-meltingly gorgeous. And for goodness’ sakes, Maleficent is the scariest villain that ever existed, don’t pretend otherwise. This truly is a wonderful film, despite its flaws, and therefore earns a high ranking on my list.

14. Robin Hood

This movie would rank much higher on my list if it was just a bit longer. Alas! But on its own, I love it. Scene to scene, it has some of the best Disney moments ever. My favorite is the turtle who waves his flag and says, “Go Dad!”

13. Pocahontas

Haters gonna hate, but Pocahontas is still one of my favorites. Strong female lead! Amazing music! Blatant historical inaccuracy! Check check check! Also it features the voice of Mel Gibson before he was so absolutely crazy, and should therefore be preserved for future studies. I was a little resentful, however, that they just didn't change the ending so John Smith and Pocahontas ended up together. They threw an accurate storyline out the window when they decided to make Pocahontas's grandmother a talking willow tree, so why stop there?

12. Mary Poppins

This movie is literally practically perfect. Julie Andrews is lovely and Dick van Dyke is my number one bro. And I love the song, “Let’s Go Fly a Kite”, I love it.

11. The Great Mouse Detective

OH JES. I love this movie! I loved Basil and I loved the toymaker and Rattigan was an awesome villain. It was so scary, yet so delightful. I love it enough to let it edge out Mary Poppins in my affections, and truly, it would probably edge out many others as well, if it weren't so short!

10. Tangled

What it lacks in decent pacing and a likeable male lead, it makes up for with lovely animation, music, a strong villain, and an EXTREMELY likeable female lead. I was expecting less from this movie (because, frankly, the previews were awful), and so imagine my pleasant surprise when it turned out to be one of my favorites of the year. (Still couldn’t oust Toy Story 3 for my best animation affection, of course). Also, it has to be said: the character animation in Tangled is the best of ANY animated movie I’ve EVER seen. Including any Pixar film. (I SAID IT).

9. One Hundred and One Dalmatians

There are two things that make this one of my favorite Disney films of all time: Cruella de Ville (one of the greatest villains in the history of cinema) and Roger Radcliffe (one of the sexiest men in all cinema). To be honest, the parts with the dogs always sort of bored me. But I never got bored with looking at this:

WHAT A MAN.

8. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

More like The Curse of the Long Sub-Title, amiright? Anyhoo this movie is undeniably awesome, legitimately well-made and well-written, even if the subsequent sequels turned out to be unwatchable abortions. Johnny Depp has forever immortalized the character of Jack Sparrow, so kudos to him.

7. Fantasia

How could Kenneth have forgotten Fantasia? I love this movie. The music is amazing. Did you know that Walt Disney intended for Fantasia to be an immersive film experience? As in, he wanted the audience splashed with water during the water scenes, and he wanted floral scent pumped out during the flower scenes and sulphur-ish scent during the Chernobog scene. But it wasn’t feasible to equip movie theaters across the country with that kind of technology. Fantasia was a box-office flop, because audiences couldn’t relate with a movie that didn’t have a central character or storyline. PHILISTINES.

6. The Princess and the Frog

I have an unnatural affection for this movie. Dr. Facilier is probably my number one (maybe two?) favorite villain of all time. I loved Tiana and her motives, and the overall message of the movie: work hard, but don’t be afraid to take some help or shift your focus if it feels right. And I thought Naveen was so funny. “I am Prince Naveen of Maldonia. And this is Tiana, the waitress. (do not kiss her).” It was a little short for my tastes, and the pacing was off (a problem that a lot of recent Disney movies seem plagued with). Also, it only had four real songs. Lame!

5. Hercules

THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST. Gospel music mixed with Greek mythology was a stroke of genius. And James Wood as Hades! Danny DeVito as Phil! Also possibly my favorite Disney song EVER, “Go the Distance”. It’s a worthy pick for my top five.

4. Aladdin

Riff-raff, street rat. I DON’T BUY THAT. There are four major criteria I judge Disney movies on: the leads, the music, the animation, the villain. In all four categories, Aladdin excels. Aladdin was likeable and heroic, and Jasmine is probably my favorite of the “classic” Disney princesses. I don’t even have to talk about the music, because everyone probably has “Prince Ali” stuck in their heads right now. And remember the bright, frenetic glory of “Friend Like Me”? And of course, Jafar was the perfect villain: creepy, vaguely pedophile-ish, mustached, evil. TWO THUMBS UP.

3. Peter Pan

Based on my favorite book of all time, Peter Pan certainly has a special place in my heart. Captain Hook is a man’s man, and Never Never Land has always been my top choice in the Which Disney World Would You Like to Live In game. Even though WENDY DARLING ugggh I have always hated that character, don’t even get me started.

2. The Lion King

The Lion King is the closest thing to a flawless animated movie that Walt Disney Studios has every produced. The music is amazing. The characters are sympathetic, and the voice actors were impeccably chosen. The death of Mufasa is one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in cinematic history. The parallel storyline to Macbeth is totally bad-ass.

AAAAAAAAAANNNNDDDDD

1. The Jungle Book

It’s The Jungle Book for the win! Are you surprised? Keep in mind, I’m not saying this is the very best movie that Walt Disney Studios has produced—I think The Lion King takes that crown. This one just happens to be one of my favorites to watch. There’s nothing I can really put my finger on—the dialogue, the music, and the style of animation just suit my taste perfectly.

IT'S DONE. Whew! What a wild ride! Now it's time for the intense discussion, let's make it happen!