Geez, I don't check the blog for a week or so and when I come back we have this crazy word cloud skerfuffle going on. Here's what I propose: instead of writing our own names in our post repeatedly, we do a Secret Santa thing where we draw someone's name from a hat and then write that person's name continuously in our posts. So for example, Ken would draw my name and then would have to type Luke over and over while writing about 'The Philosophical Manifesto: A Treatise Being Of Human Nature And The Conflict Therein', or whatever the hell political book he's reading. Also, Ken smells funny.
But hey, we all know about Ken's repugnant odor. That's not what this blog is for (I actually started a blog dedicated to Ken's musk, kensmellsquiteterribleandhesabadperson.org). This blog is for books! And boy howdy, do I got some doozies for you: the writings of Robert Howard!
First, allow me tell you about Robert Howard, if I may. Robert Howard (RH from here on) was a writer born in the early 1900's who wrote pulp stories for whatever publication would buy his stories. Like many pulp writers at the time, his work was overlooked by the mainstream at the time but he has since become one of the most influential writers of pop culture (or any culture, for that matter). How influential? For starters, he practically created the sword and sorcery genre. And, he's the creator Conan. If the only thing that comes to your mind when I say Conan is "O'Brien" or "that movie from the 80's where an oiled-up Schwarzenegger ran around in tight pants, impaling whoever he met", then shame on you! You must be one of those people who isn't a virgin and has friends if you don't know who Conan the Cimmerian is as a literary figure. But it's okay, I'll gladly fill you in.
RH wrote a series of fantasy stories starring Conan, a grizzled barbarian, set in an ancient world populated by a multitude of mighty kingdoms, bloodthirsty warriors, and inhuman monsters. The world is unnamed, but I'm assuming it's Earth thousands upon thousands of years before history began to be recorded - not that I've done extensive research into this. Conan seems to have no goals in mind other than to seek glory wherever it's to be found, and so he wanders across this vast world. And though the setting of every story is different - sailing across the sea, crossing a wasteland, battling across a frozen Tundra - Conan is a warrior, so every problem he faces he attempts to solve with decapitation and death, which normally produces great results. But swinging a sword's not all he can do: he also steals whatever treasure he can get his hands on, drinks more alcohol than an oppressed Soviet citizen, and plows every scantily-clad woman he comes across.
Now I'm sure you're thinking to yourself "Man, these Conan stories sound like immature works of escapist fantasy, obviously beloved simply because they speak to the carnal, childish desires in men. Also, Luke is an extremely sexy and awesome person.", and you'd be right on all counts. These stories are pulp, after all, and as such they're supposed to entertain first and worry about all that "deeper meaning" crap last. But like the best adventure stories, it has resonated for so long in spite (or maybe because) of its supposed immaturity simply because RH was very good at what he did. His stories are extremely entertaining and gripping, and they always introduce some new thing into the mix to keep things fresh, such as a new ghastly monster for Conan to hack down or a new promiscuous woman for Conan to plow. His writing is bursting with imagination and excitement on every page, or as Stephen King said: "In his best work, Howard's writing is so charge it nearly gives off sparks." And let's not forget that action is one of the hardest things to write, but when done well it can be extremely satisfying. And RH knows how to write a battle scene, believe you me. I can't do justice to the fight scenes, mostly because I'm drunk and lazy. But rest assured, they're good. They're like "slash slash stab" and "ah oh my gosh I just got stabbed" and "that's right sucker you just got punk'd with a sword through your heart". So anyway.
However, before you decide to read these rip-roaring tales of adventure, know this: they're extremely racist and extremely sexist. The women fall into two categories: either they're heartless viragos or meek, subservient does. There's no in-between. Of course, they have one thing in common: they all want to get plowed by Conan. And boy howdy, does he oblige them.
And regarding the racism...
Johnny Carson: Boy, those Conan stories sure are racist.
Studio audience: How racist are they?
Johnny Carson: They're so racist that if you have a Klu Klux Klan member in your family then these books would make the perfect stocking stuffer. Hi-yo!
But seriously, every human opponent Conan faces is ethnic in some way (described as either yellow, red, or Negro black) and the only heroes are those who are whites. And whenever Conan is hacking down a non-white enemy, RH seems to describe the butchery with a sadistic glee. He was a citizen of early 20th-century America, where lynching was a popular pastime, so I guess you need to keep that in mind when reading them. But unless you have a swastika tattoo on your chest and consider yourself part of the master race, it still gets a little uncomfortable in places.
Oh, and if you like the tales of Conan, then I recommend you check out Solomon Kane, another creation of RH. He's a Puritan who wanders the earth, righting wrongs and smiting demons. So basically a missionary version of Conan. He's a very influential fantasy figure, blah blah blah, racism and sexism.
I'm also reading 'A Confederacy Of Dunces' and enjoying it quite a lot. I might post about it once finished. But maybe I won't! What do you think about that, huh?!?! TELL ME!!!
12 comments:
LUKE EVERY TIME I READ SOMETHING YOU WRITE MY PANTS EXPLODE. So I hope you realize that you are an awesome contributor to this blog and you owe me several pairs of new pants.
I have thoroughly enjoyed the conversations you and I have had about Conan in the past (Howard's and the O'Brien one). However, even though I enjoyed the conversations, I don't think I'm ready to stomach the blatant racism, sexism, and anti-Semitism (in Solomon Kane, I assume) of Howard's work. No matter how big of a crush Stephen King has on him.
wow. taranaich. you take conan a little too seriously. i assume your obsession is spawned from an incapability of doing any of the following things: 1) talking to real people, 2)reading real books, and 3) living in the real world. so taranaich, vanquisher of the foe and champion of illusion, i recommend you spend a little time outside of your parent's basement and soak up all those wonderful quantities of vitamin d that have been granted to prevent fantastic fantasy obsession.
Taranaich, my friend, I'm sure we all appreciate your thoughtful castigation of our friend's hilarious post, but I'd like to (fittingly) point out some of the errors you committed in doing so:
-You failed to realize that Luke was attempting to describe Conan to folks who had never read or heard of him, not to a group of slavish fans (like yourself). I found his "article" (as you called it, though, in my opinion, this blog is a little too casual to warrant the name)light-hearted and fun, not intended to be laced with deep meaning about the inner symbolic workings of a Conan the Barbarian story.
-Another thing you failed to realize is that this blog is meant to be a sort of "friend" project. I think you went into this with the sad misconception that this blog is some sort of serious publication. Nay! Luke was offering his opinion of the Conan stories that he has read to a small group of people he knows and trusts. I doubt, when he wrote this post, that he expected a creepy fan to come out of left field and eviscerate him.
In other words, this is basically a private conversation, and you, my friend, are butting in. No doubt you have an unquenchable desire to PROTECT THE GOOD NAME OF CONAN THE BARBARIAN AT ALL COSTS, but, quite frankly, your criticism is unwelcome and unnecessary.
However, realizing that the Internet is not yet a privatized institution, I recognize your right to appear foolish to strangers.
urgh....cursed foolish internet prowlers.
Holy crap Taranaich. You really like Bobert Howing and the stories he wrote about Cownan. You have opened my eyes.
I now realize that you are the chosen one, the King of the Virgins, the one who would swoop down among the populace to correct our misconceptions about all things fantasy. I kneel to you, mighty King, and your rocking beard. If I ever see you in person, please allow me to stroke said beard.
Thank you for gracing me with your presence and correcting me about RH. If you hadn't, I'd still be calling him RH, instead of RH.
I'll be honest, my first reaction to Taraniach's unsolicited and rather boring opinion on R-dizzle was, "Seriously?" closely followed by "Really?"
But, I think we can all agree that what Taraniach lacks in manners and tact he more than makes up for in his vast knowledge of all things Cowman the barbed wire saint... or whatever (Sorry Luke I was amongst the ignorant fools whom thought you were talking about Conan O' Brian...).
On the bright side. We've clearly gotten over our word cloud issues!
And I would also like to add that even if T-dawg is correct I couldn't make it past his discussion on J-slice and Stevie K, which goes to show how much I would rather hear a thousand opinions from Luke before enduring another word of truth from just about anyone else in the blogging world (No offense T-bone, I do like your style. That beard rocks!).
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you Taraniach for your advice. You seem like a very intelligent person, but we are not in need of your services. We are just a couple of friends having a good time. Nothing too serious--just innocent fun.
HOO BOY! THIS IS SO FUN!
http://theblogthattimeforgot.blogspot.com/2010/01/another-silly-silly-person.html
"EDIT: Looks like in actually engaging in polite discussion, the silly people there are waving off my criticisms as the all-too-serious blustering of a delusional virgin fanboy stuck in his mother's basement, and saying I'm butting in on a "private conversation." As such, I'm sorry I wasted my time on their nonsense, since clearly they don't care for honest intellectual discourse in favour of what can generously be described as 'comedy'.
Oh well. Maybe after this they'll make their blog private, and we won't have to put up with their imbecilic blitherings. "
I say that nobody forced or asked you to "put up" with anything. There is no reason to make this blog private to avoid these comments in the future when we are not closed to the idea of others joining us to participate in a LIGHTHEARTED discussion of the books we read. This is not an entry on YOUR blog that is apparently devoted to all this fantasy stuff (which I know nothing about and won't comment on).
Just because something with the key word "Robert E. Howard" popped up on Google Alerts or whatever, does not mean you HAVE to read it, much less comment on it.
Oh well. Let's be done with it. Bye T-Dawg. I wish you luck in your future writings on "fantasy adventures fraught with dinosaurs, barbarians, transformers, heavy metal, monsters, spaceships, and all manner of madness."
:)
and i feel like the world is a worse place because someone actually dared to equate a satire of conan with irreverence.
Kelsha is trying to tell me that the whole conversation is over and done and I refuse to believe it!! I feel super left out!! I assumed (ass-u-me?) that this blog was private, but the real tragedy is that we had an invasion into our of loverly little world, and I wasn't aware of it in time to add my 13 cents. So disregarding Kelsha's attitude that the whole thing is over I will take my witty jab at that T-man who if he wants to be taken seriously needs a name simpletons like me can pronounce. I'll leave it at a bemoan of the internet, "it's tragic that the internet has taken an inept form of communication to "virgins in their mother's basements" and allowed them to invade the supposed privacy of people who often get together in person, face to face, like God did with Moses" T-diddy take offense if you wish but I had to get in on all the fun. And beards are sick in a nasty sort of way, though admittedly I say this because I'm a messy eater which would make for a messy beard, and I haven't hit puberty yet and can't grow substantial facial hair.
just so everyone knows: i finally expunged the defender of pathetic trivia from the blog. i reread luke's blog, i read a little about conan, and i have come to the determination that not only was whatever-his-bearded-face-who-lives-in-his-parent's-basement-and-hasn't-ever-been-loved.-ever.-face an insanely disconnected forsaker of reality and determined to ruin his life with the profession of the fantasy post-reality obsession (bordering on what he could only hope to be a personal transcendentalist existentialism in the form of conan plowing woman), i also believe the beard has gone to his brain and he will undoubtedly continually digress until all his thoughts are bent on its meticulous combing. in light of all that i determined that it wasn't worth the entertainment to spoil luke's wonderful and, as always, hilarious post. so i deleted him. like all his facebook girlfriends. and let this be a lesson to all of us on the dangers of obsession with anything, especially sexist racist barbarians like conan.
much love and peace. especially to our wayward commentantor.
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